Secret In our Heart (Peraya)

Blind

Sometime I cannot see myself when I am with you,

I can only just see you.

Its 1 am in the morning, it is cold and chilling due to the rain that keep pouring for the past three hours, I should have just sleep... I keep telling that but it is so damn hard to close my eyes, my hand keep reaching for the phone, hoping that it will ringing, hoping that he will call or at least just one simple message but no.... nothing happened. My head almost exploded due to the frustration, why is falling in love is so damn freaking complicated!

"Holy shit! Kit what are you doing down there?"

"Oh, Bank... nothing."

"Nothing? You are squatting in front of the fridge in the dark while eating a whole bucket of ice cream in this damn cold weather. Did your brain freeze already? You say that you will be sleeping at Sing house, so what ..."

"I have killed him, that boyfriend of mine."

"Ok... so why are you still alive, I thought that you can't live without him?"

"Sarcasm!!! You are getting funnier by day."

"Fighting? For god sake it's Valentine."

"I don't know, why or when it goes wrong, I just know that I snapped at him and walk away."

"Tell me , I am listening."

"I have so much thought on my mind, damn I was so happy that we finally together but the insecurities keep creeping through my heart, I feel like I am the one who invest more in this relationship, like I am trying so hard to keep it, to fight for it but he keep hiding his feeling, so deep that I can't even see it sometime and it scared me so much when I can't even guess what is he thinking. "Kit, don't be too obvious", "Kit please behave, there are a lot of people watching", that words, it annoy me so much but I am holding up, bottling my feeling and thought, afraid that I will push him to the dead end, trying my best to understand his point of view in this matter, thinking that maybe it's still not time yet, it's too early. But at one point I just snapped, I am disappointed so I am telling him my thought but he give me an answer that make me more puzzle "Kit, damn I love you but I have respect to the people that already give you love more than I do, the people that have fullest right on you." Obviously, he is already spoke to my parents but his hiding it from me, we are in a relationship, we should be able to share everything so why does I feel like he set me aside and I hate that feeling. You know that it takes two to tango, I am just hoping that he let me see his inner thought sometime, speak to me, tell me what he feel and thinking, that is all.

"That is all.... Kit can I give you my opinion on this matter?"

"Of course, it will help me sorting out my brain too."

"Well first of all, we are talking about Prachaya Ruangroj here, a man who drop his study at the final year on his final semester to follow his passion, to do what he like and love to do without caring what other peoples think of him, he is that kind of man, have a strong will power so don't you think that from the first moment that he decided to hold your hand that mean it will be a lifetime, he choose you, choose to love you abide the odds and hurdles, so have some faith on him, you know exactly what kind of man he is, he is not good with words, not as expressive as you but he let the action speaks for him, you can't see his feeling? Damn Kit even me and any outsiders can see his love towards you, he lay his heart open for you, everybody can see it or even feel it so why does you can't? Because you are too happy, so happy that sometime you forget your surroundings, you are to engross in your own feeling, sometime too much happiness can become a burden, when you forgot that relationship is formed by two people that become one not solely base on yourself. Tell me how he was supposed to tell you about meeting your parents when you are looking at him with your one million dollars smile, happily chatting about your day to him, he love your smile more than anything Kit. You are doubting about his commitment, let me ask you when you are so eager to wish him good luck for his exam, you end up calling him for more than half an hour, did he hang up on you?