Sparkler and the Wolf

3. Resisting Temptation

Fenris bypassed Dorian's room in favour of his own, heading straight for the wine he'd brought with him. Dorian leaned his back against the door, watching in silence while Fenris poured two glasses and started a fire in the hearth. Once it was lit, he gestured for Dorian to join him, handing the mage a glass as he took a seat before the fire.

Fenris raised his glass in a silent toast and sipped, his face hidden behind a mask Dorian couldn't read. He returned the look, trying to pretend he hadn't said anything which might have given away the things he held most private.

Dorian sipped his wine and with the first swallow grimaced, frowning at Fenris in confusion. "What kind of wine is this?"

"The kind that's been watered down."

"Watered down? On purpose? Why?"

"I did it for myself. In case I think I need more after visiting the tavern. Or for those who visit and don't need more."

"I imagine it also works on unwanted guests."

Fenris chuckled. "I suppose it would if I ever had unwanted guests."

"So I'm a welcome guest? And yet you still offered me watery wine."

"I think you've had enough already."

"And what would you know about too much?" Dorian snapped, still sipping the wine.

Fenris stared into the fire, his eyes distant as though he were staring into a different fire in a different time. "In Kirkwall, when I failed to catch Danarius in his mansion, I lived there alone. He'd had a fully stocked cellar. Most of which was his favourite, Agreggio Pavali. I spent a lot of mytime drinking every single bottle. It made me... broody."

"Broody?" Dorian blinked. "So what Varric called you in his book... that was true?"

Fenris nodded. "It was, but that's not why I started diluting my wine. Drinking in the mansion kept people from visiting me, not that I would have welcomed the company much. But it also gave me an excuse not to go to the tavern."

"So you stopped wanting to drink alone."

"Not just that." Fenris sighed.

"My apologies, I'm afraid I'm either a complete failure at reading between the lines or I truly am too drunk to follow you. I don't understand."

"It's possible I could've had something with Hawke." Fenris replied, his voice catching on her name. "She was clear enough with her interest."

"But nothing happened?"

"I didn't know if I wanted that."

Dorian frowned harder. "Perhaps we should leave this discussion for another time. I'm not following and... and I don't want to... upset you if I happen to say the wrong thing."

"No Dorian, I started this by giving you the wine."

"Alright."

"After..." Fenris hesitated, his eyes hard and troubled, heaving a sigh as though deciding to finally let it go. "After Danarius... I, well I didn't know what I liked. Hawke was stunning. Beautiful, talented, witty and... and she always tried to do the right thing. I admired her, but I didn't know if that also meant I was attracted to her."

"Because she was a woman you mean?"

Fenris nodded. "I had no experience with... women. And I didn't understand about preferences and choices. At least not for... that."

"So you were never with anyone while in Kirkwall?" Dorian asked quietly.

"No, nothing like that. I spent some time with Isabella. She... helped me understand my... needs. Hawke found out of course. Isabella was never what you would call subtle and I think it hurt her."

"You never asked?"

Fenris shook his head. "It seemed cruel at the time. I think Isabella explained, but that's not my point here. It wasn't until Isabella invited another to share our bed that I learned what I hadn't known since escaping Danarius."

"It was a man, wasn't it?"

Fenris nodded. "Up until then I thought my attraction to men was because I had never known anything else. I'd never been given the choice."

Dorian had gone quiet as Fenris trailed off. His eyes were troubled and there was a shine to the mage's that hadn't been there before.

Dorian sighed and stood up, his voice gruff as though his throat had closed. "I thank you for the wine and the conversation, but I think I should go. You're right. I've had too much to drink, quite embarrassing really. Good evening Fenris." He said, moving to the door and not meeting the elf's eyes.

Fenris was out of his seat and blocking the doorway before Dorian could reach it. "Dorian? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." He lied. "I just really don't feel well. Might even be a little sick. Not to worry though, a bit of rest and I'll be right as rain by morning."

"You're welcome to stay."

Dorian smiled, though it was clear he was upset. "I thank you for the offer, but I'm not comfortable having anyone watch me be sick. I promise we'll talk tomorrow if you wish to continue this conversation."

Fenris nodded, stepping close and kissing the mage softly on the lips. "I'll hold you to that mage."

"I'm sure you will." Dorian nodded as Fenris held the door open for him. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Dorian."

----xxx----

Dorian's tears were flowing freely by the time he reached his quarters. Fenris' revelation regarding Danarius had him feeling so much guilt and shame, he was surprisedt he warrior could even stand to be in the same room with him.

Angrily he tore at his robes and armour, tossing it all to the floor until he was left standing inonly his small clothes. He was such an utter, arrogant fool. For all his speeches over how his country could be redeemed, he had never looked too closely at slavery.

Always it was the blood magic. He wasn't stupid. He knew that meant the sacrificing of slaves and he'd heard of magisters using their slaves for other things, but... But he preferred to pretend it didn't happen often, as though that mattered.

How could someone like Fenris ignore that? He didn't see how the elf could feel anything for him other than disgust and resentment. He knew nothing of the reality of slavery. Had even had several arguments with the Inquisitor over the matter, taking his anger over his own ignorance out on her.

He suspected she knew why he'd gotten angry, but he was ashamed he didn't know. Had never really wanted to know. It wasn't as though he could change it. Many had tried over the years and they were all dead, murdered as soon as anyone knew they were against it. He didn't have a death wish and slavery was everywhere in Tevinter. He might have had to live with it, but the less he knew of the reality, the easier it was to pretend it wasn't aproblem.

He tossed a fireball into the hearth and sat before it, staring into the flames and wishing his homeland was different. Or perhaps it would have been better if he were different, blindly oblivious to everything that made the Imperium hated by every other country in Thedas. But it wasn't different and he wasn't different and there was truly nothing he could do about it.

What he could do was stop encouraging Fenris' advances. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but whether the elf saw him as a replacement for Danarius or had convinced himself he was attracted to Dorian, he couldn't pretend he wasn't a mage or an Altus in the Imperium. He might not be a Magister, butA ltus was close enough and he didn't want Fenris thinking of him in that light.

With a pained sigh and a quick swipe at his eyes to dry his tears, he fell into bed and the blissful nothingness of alcohol induced oblivion.