Sparkler and the Wolf

32. Running from the Past

Fenris couldn't stay still. With a growl to Sera he'd stormed away from the garden and the gallery, taking a passage to a lower courtyard. He snarled to himself when he realized the garden led nowhere and almost left, but he had no desire to return to the fountain or the gallery.

Varric saw him, his smile turning to concern, but Fenris shook his head and the dwarf returned to his conversation, his eyes never leaving the elf. Fenris paced the edge of the garden, his mind and emotions whirling like a pinwheel. He was angry and frustrated, but more than that he was furious and ashamed Dorian had seen what was happening and that Fenris hadn't reacted sooner. He blamed himself for not moving away from the man before being cornered. He'd become complacent and let his guard down.

He stopped pacing and moved to lean against a trellis, arms crossed, face clouded, his posture a shield meant to keep people away. He had a clear view of the area when he felt eyes on him. He scanned the crowd, catching sight of Dorian watching him from the corner of his eye. He tensed, expecting the mage to come to him, but Dorian didn't move. He could see him hesitating, a flurry of conflicting emotions on his face, but he remained rooted in place.

He watched as in a blink of an eye, all the tension drained from Dorian's body as though someone had sucked all the air from him. The mage's eyes then filled with such a profound sadness, Fenris felt it like a knife in his chest. His breath caught as Dorian turned back the way he'd come, disappearing from view. The urge to follow rose like a panic, but he stamped it down, ignoring it. He couldn't talk to him now, didn't want to talk to him or discuss what had happened in the trophy room. So he remained where he was, a storm of emotion and waited for the evening to end.

----xxx----

Dorian returned to the garden but couldn't stay there and made his way to the vestibule. What he'd seen in Fenris' face and the way he'd looked at him... Maker. And what he'd said... he couldn't get any of the awful images he'd seen in the past thirty minutes out of his mind. Fenris helpless and angry, looking up at his abuser, Fenris snarling at him and not seeing him, then Fenris in the garden, isolated and alone looking not like a man, but more like a cold dead statue or a piece of furniture.

All of it chilled him and all of it made him feel how desperately foolish he was being to allow anything to continue between them. It didn't matter that Fenris said he cared or didn't see him like other mages. His past would forever haunt him and Dorian knew he wasn't good enough for the warrior. It was evident in how he'd reacted to the elf's admission of being loaned out to his former master's associates, like a tool or a thing.

It curled his stomach and made him wish again that he somehow could have prevented any of it from happening. But it was a stupid wish. It had happened, he hadn't prevented anything and now it was too late. The damage to Fenris was done and nothing he could do would ever change that. But he could stay away from him, let the warrior find someone else, someone better than an outcast mage. Someone who was worthy of him, but most of all someone who was not a mage.

Dorian looked up when Cullen stepped out of the ballroom and crossed the room to where Dorian stood. "The man who attacked Fenris is on his way to Skyhold as we speak."

"Good."

"May I ask how you're doing? I can't imagine what you went through upon witnessing what was about to happen."

"It was no picnic, though I imagine my experience was nothing to what Fenris is going through."

"Still. I understand the two of you had become close. Are you all right?"

"I'll be fine... eventually. But thank you for asking Commander."

"And Fenris?"

"I'm sure he'll also be fine, though I haven't spoken to him if that's what you're asking. He's not really in the mood at the moment."

"Understandable. I do have some good news. The assassination was prevented and peace has been restored. We'll be heading back to Skyhold in the morning."

"Wonderful news commander, though if our job is done why are you not in there celebrating with our illustrious Inquisitor?"

Cullen blushed, ducking his head. "Maker, does everyone know?"

"Only those of us who notice these things."

"Right well, I just wanted to let you know the situation before I return to the ballroom."

"Commander, I wonder if I might make a small request?"

"Of course."