philophobia [style]

day one struggles

[I make up some shit in this chapter, or at least I think I am]  

there was one thing kyle didn't want to do; tell stan that he was in love with him. he didn't want to tell stan about the hanahaki ordeal unless he was forced to. this was something kyle wanted private to his family, and when he died, he'd want it to be announced suicide.  

yes, kyle is still struggling, he's all shakey [like tweek], but he's managing. he's going up against his fear, love, and the dire, death-laced hanahaki disease. 

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i had a restless 'sleep' last night. yesterday was crazy, i found out that i was in love with stan [and he doesn't fucking love me back, stan we've been best friends for years!], coughed up some flowers, and possibly had a huge as fuck panic attack before it [or after it? my memory is a bit hazy, i feel like i'm dreaming, i'm numb]. but even after all of that, i still have to go to school [thank god it starts tomorrow]. i think it's unfair, i mean, i don't wanna be coughin' up flowers during math class and have everybody be thinkin', "kyle has hanahaki!?" hell. no. fuck. this. 

eh. i'll just probably skip and pretend i went to school. i might just go behind the elementary building and meet up with butters. butters always hides out there mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, since those are the days cartman goes to school. cartman started severely bulling him when it was rumored he was gay for kenny. he hasn't labeled it true or false yet. [kenny is such a man whore though, butters love someone else he just wants to fuck!!] 

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my day consisted of a couple of smaller panic attacks [like they lasted a minute but holy hell it was scary], a few bloody flower petals coming out of my mouth [the burning sensation was the worst part], and a couple of passing outings [is that what it would be? passing outings? i guess it sounds right, anyway, i passed out a few times]. But i did more research on hanahaki disease, and i found out something the doctors never mentioned and pc principal never mentioned when i was little. 

hanahaki disease lasts for a month before the patient starts choking on their favorite flower, leading to their death. 

they never told me i had one month left. 

i have one month to fulfill my life, to live it to the fullest. 

this world is bullshit.