Fix you

Chapter One

It’s a shame

Monica Elizabeth Soria’s

Years later…

“Catherine Fe is my sunshine.”

I swallowed hard.

“She gave direction to my path. I was a lost boy when I met you… but you gave me light. You were like the lighthouse in the middle of a stormy sea. You guided me to the path I never thought I’d ever take again – the path of life, love, and family.”

I had to look up so the tears wouldn’t fall. It was too painful hearing the love of my life say those words to the love of his life. I couldn’t help thinking that it should be me on that altar, with him, holding hands, crying happily. It should be me that he would be taking to the next level, not Catherine Fe. It should be us, together hand in hand excited about our future.

But it’s not me. That is the sad reality of my life. I spent years living in Australia to finally forget about him and what we had. Ang sabi ko noon, mas mapapadali para sa aming dalwa ang magkahiwalay dahil iyon lang ang paraan para makalimutan namin ang isa’t isa.

A week before I left for Australia, Luis came to my house with a bunch of folders labeled as OPTIONS. He researched about my conditions and those places where we can get help. I couldn’t help but cry, I saw how determined he was, he was willing to spend all his money just for us to be together pero ayoko. Ayokong nakikita siyang nahihirapan, I held his hand and I told him to stop.

Because he has to stop. He is just making it harder for the two of us. I want a child too, but not that way, hindi ko siya pahihirapan, he can get the happiness from someone else, he can have a child in the easiest way, hindi niya kailangan ma-stress out ng ganito. Hindi niya kailangan isipin na hindi magiging sapat ang kaya niyang ibigay dahil lang sa ako ang may pagkukulang.

I want to be fair to him.

Of course, he got so man, so mad that he just vanished. He left, mas nauna pa siyang umalis kaysa sa akin. I went to Australia, doon ako nagsimulang bumangon. I buried my love for him deep inside my being. Hanggang sa nakaya ko na ulit ngitian ang sarili ko sa salamin.

Okay na ako. Nilabang ako ang sarili ko sa Australia, nakahanap ako ng trabaho sa events. Pinag-aralan ko iyong ins and outs of the business and I realized that being a wedding planner is the most fitting for me. Bakit hindi? I can’t and will never get married, hindi naman siguro masama na ibigay ko sa iba ang kasiyahang gusto kong maramdaman.

And truly, kapag nakikita ko kung gaano kasaya ang mga ikinakasal na ako mismo ang umaayos, ay nasisiyahan ako, I sometimes think of me as the bride, what would I want? What would make me happy…

So… The wedding shop was born. I tried making a name for it in Australia, naging successful naman ako that why, I thought of putting it here in the Philippines, matagal na rin naman akong hindi umuwi ng Pilipinas. I miss it here, the food, the traffic, the heat, my parents, my friends – I just missed everyone. And I thought that I was okay, that I can finally look at him and smile and feel nothing. It went on for a while.

I don’t check his social media accounts for years now. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay na ako. I stopped stalking him the moment Paolo told me that he was in love with someone else now, that my Luisito have moved on and I felt happy. Iyon naman ang gusto ko, ang makuha niya ang lahat ng bagay na hindi ko kayang ibigay.

But when I went to Paolo’s one morning, I saw him, with his girl and it struck me – it struck me so hard and then realization came in, I realized that after all these years, after being a part from him for so long, I am still in love with him.