100 Eyes

Introduction

100 eyes - they are looking into me and they are giving me something on that particular moment. All encounters gave me something good, something to be afraid of and some freedom, until the moment came to immortalize them. It might be that I am never going to see some people again, some are already gone, and some I am going to meet all over again and call them during the night whenever I have tough moments and feel that they are the only people that can understand me completely. However, there is nothing harder than to let go. If it's a memory or a dream, if I knew the person for a night or for few years, it's still hard to let go. Every time I let go those eyes, there is a new hole in my heart and it takes time until it heals.

The relationship that I had at the end of 2015 made me reconsider myself, my behaviour and goals that I had at that moment. And let's be sincere, it does not heal as fast as I would expect to - I have recurring dreams about him and that we are back together. Therefore, writing is like a psychotherapy to me and a way to forget those eyes. However, "100 eyes" are not only about him. It is also about the past love and sexual relationships that I had. Moreover, it's about all individuals that made an impact on me and lead me to where I am now. As freakishly it might sound, I keep a list of: a) guys I have kissed, b) guys I had sex with, c) guys I went on dates with. But some of them are more special than the other ones. They are special enough to be memorized and live as fictional characters in this book.

What I have learned during these years: you don't meet a person for no reason, the reason is the person itself as it becomes a part of your identity. So "100 eyes" is also about myself, my struggles, my success, my failures and all the lessons on the way. It is a way to understand what kind of person I've become and what person I am willing to be in the future. At the moment, I am struggling with my own personality as it is changing constantly and sometimes I feel that those 100 eyes are of my own. It is hard to find a distinction between reality and my mind. What if all that I see, feel and hear is only creation of my consciousness and all those people that I am going to talk about are just different angles of my own personality. If you believe that the person has some particular traits couldn't it be that those traits are yours during that time? How can you completely know the person when you have all those prejudices around? Would that break-up happen if you seen the situation from absolutely different angle, during other moment and your level of maturity?