100 Eyes

Prologue (Spoilers Alert!)

2017-04-23

Once I started to write this book in February 2016 I was heartbroken (again!) and I thought that it will be a love story about the guys that meant a lot to me and it will be a way to remember them and heal my heart. Some parts from 2016 to 2017 were written sporadically as a diary and self-help due to mentally unstable moments, chapters from 2012 to 2016 were rewritten and shortened from diary entries in my native language, but the emotions remain authentical. Some parts were so hard to write that I could barely see the keyboard from my tears. Some brought the great memories back and made me laugh out loud. However, I never had an exact thought how this book will end and what it's purpose despite talking about my love life. Sometimes I was thinking maybe it will be next "Sex and a City", but during the process I found the exact meaning and reason which different than just telling a love story. The main purpose is to help other girls to learn from my mistakes that caused serious danger to my life. They say that love kills, but it almost killed me literally. I was diagnosed having stage 0 cervical cancer (also known as carciroma in situ) and two most dangerous human papillomavirus (HPV) types: 16 and 18. It is clinically proven that these two types are responsible for cervical cancer. Fortunately, I went to the gynecologist in May, 2016 and it wasn't too late, I was suspicious after the first test and asked to have me deeply tested, this resulted in removal a part of my cervix during conization procedure. I still can have children, but I am on the risk list and I have to visit doctors every 4-6 months for the next two years at least.

Despite successful results after the procedure, you cannot imagine how much strength it took me, my family and friends to overcome mentally a year of visits to the doctors and getting worse results each time until I got where I am now. I do not wish that to nobody. You start living your life as regular and then get worse news. It seems that everything falls down, then you find inner strength to get up and then receive bad news again, it seems that this cycle never ends. Somebody could say that it is not the worst that could happen, of course it's not, and I am the happiest person for that, but each health issue is a personal disaster. I was guessing maybe I was infected since birth, maybe later on or just recently, and I was blaming others. I did not have the answer, but not the answer "when" and "by whom", but "why" was important. Finally, I understood that it is my personal fault, it is not a destiny, it is not a guy that wanted to have sex with me, it wasn't my family that didn't tell me to save myself before marriage (what is obviously stupid), but it is me that caused myself this diagnosis and the end results. Despite that I am not saying that everyone should become saints and should keep their virginity until their forties. I just hope that this story at least gives some thoughts that promiscuous behaviour is not the thing that empowers women and helps rising low self esteem - I believed that nonsense since 19 when I lost my virginity. And it is not the way that we should demonstrate our rights as we are told by mass media. Contrary, the responsibility for your actions is the right way. Put a condom for God's sake! Or just tell the guy to fuck himself if he refuses. And think before having one night stand - is it really worthy? Get yourself vaccinated from HPV and get tested at least once a year! It's not an ad for pharmacy companies or gynecological services, I just hope that some girls will be saved from having one more headache in this already complicated world.

However, it wouldn't be me if I couldn't find a bright side even in this situation. Since I received first bad result from the cervical test (PAP) almost a year ago, I have learned that I have to do all my best to become the healthiest possible version of myself. I am not competing with others, I won't get that a part of my cervix back, I won't become a monk and live in a cave. But I started to make some small steps to make myself healthier every single day: I quit smoking regularly and now I am smoking only on special occasions (I smoked since 13 occasionally and since 19 years old almost every day) and smoking is one of the main causes of cervix cancer. I started to eat healthier, quit junk food, lactose and sugar. I drink less alcohol, sometimes I go month or two without drinking. I often choose to stay at home instead of going out - and it is a huge difference due to the fact that I was a party girl a year ago. I am going to the gym regularly (apart from 4 weeks that I had to stay physically inactive after the conization operation), reading and watching videos about fitness and healthy lifestyle is my new passion. I started to learn more about myself and can stay without dating a guy for several months. I am still in the process and hopefully I will have lots of time for my transition to more healthy version of me.

Please note that I am not advertising healthy lifestyle and I am not saying that a candy or sitting on sofa and watching TV is bad for you - it's your personal decision how to live the rest of your life and I just described my own path that is suitable for me. Quite recently I finally learned for once and all that the person cannot be changed by the others despite how hard they want it. It is a personal decision what kind of lifestyle to choose and I am not the one that shows the one and only path. You can do your own mistakes, go ahead! I just deeply hope that my example and my real life stories (except the last chapter The Ending that was my imagination after listening Frank Sinatra's song on repeat for several hours and was the first thing I ever wrote) will give a thought and maybe a small step for loving and appreciating yourself more. Maybe you will be at least a little bit more cautious after listening what I have to tell you.

Also what I have noticed, this book can be read both ways from the Chapter 1 to The Ending or from The Ending to the Chapter 1. Please choose the way is more suitable for you, I chose to go all the way from today to the 2008. Above you can find the Introduction that I wrote once I started to write this book in February 2016. At that time I wasn't sure why and to whom I am writing this book, but eventually I got the answer and wrote Prologue today. If even one girl will stop and think before engaging into meaningless sex, will not measure her self esteem by seeking guy's love and understand that intercourse (despite how good or often it is performed) does not necessary lead to long lasting love and will keep her physical and mental health a priority - I will be the happiest person alive. And I wish the same for the new and healthy me.

And if you are asking what about my love life now? I am single since February, didn't go on any dates, never installed Tinder or another dating app, did not met any guys in bars as I have been there only twice during this period and was very passive in my love life in overall. Also in the 3rd chapter I mentioned another American guy - he helped me out when I was in L.A.: he listened to my desperate heartbreaking stories and tried to cheer me up, took me to the best date in Malibu and brought me to the airport. It was one year since we spoke last time and he wrote me asking how things are going now. He remembered every single detail despite the fact that it was one and a half year ago: our conversations, my accent, my height, our date in Malibu. It was so funny that the night he wrote me I was wearing the T-shirt he gave me once he showed me around his office in Beverly Hills. Long story short: he mentioned that he might come overseas to visit me. Maybe this Summer or Autumn. No exact date established, but we are in contact for several weeks now. Let's see how this goes without any predictions or dreams about happily ever after...

"HPV and Cancer"

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/infectious-agents/hpv-fact-sheet