100 Eyes

Chapter 5

I do not know why I did not call ambulance when I saw The Fallen Angel the last time, maybe I was got used to seeing him drunk or hungover, I cannot forgive myself for that. It is just heartbreaking how stupid and stubborn I was. But we weren't a couple anymore and I wanted just to get back to my sane self. However, after I brought him food and medicine, I came back home having very strange feeling that something terrible is going to happen. As I was leaving to Madrid the next day to meet my friends from Erasmus from Thursday to Monday, I found Fallen Angel's sister on Facebook. I asked her to talk to him and also I wrote to his friend and asked to take care of the Fallen Angel. I explained them that he needs somebody to talk to him or just be by his side as he felt really down, sad and lonely. His friend wrote to the Fallen Angel on April 16th, 2015 (Thursday), chatted a bit, but the Fallen Angel did not reply anymore on Friday. It was our last conversation.

Once I have landed back home Monday morning (20th April, 2015) I received a message from his friend that The Fallen Angel was found dead by his housekeeper on Monday morning. He mixed painkillers with alcohol - at least that what autopsy said and he passed away from a heart attack several days before. His uncle, couple of friends, me and my friend, that was the only one that knew him in person, came to the morgue before his body was sent to Norway for the funeral. I saw him... He looked like a peaceful angel, probably calm first time in his life. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time it was relieving. At first I didn't knew why, but then his uncle told more about is real life: The Fallen Angel was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome since his parents had divorced when he was at age 10. Since then he had phases of being super excited and creating unrealistic plans what eventually would lead him to a great depression that he tried to heal with alcohol and drugs. He was constantly mixing drugs and alcohol, and the drugs that was found in his body after autopsy was probably from epilepsia, that he wasn't diagnosed, but his sister was. So he probably took it from her some time ago. I am still not sure if he committed suicide or it was an accident, they explained that his heart stopped, but he was only 33 years old.

His uncle, sister and friends thanked me that I made his last days happy. I am really not sure if I did. Sometimes I blame myself, but I went to a psychiatrist the next day when I found out about his death and she told me that I have to understand that he was sick before meeting me and I cannot save or change anyone, I can save myself only, so I cannot blame myself. I do not know exactly how many, but some of his stories were made up, especially the ones that consisted the present day - he actually didn't work as freelance investment banker, he was getting income support from Norway. As my country is relatively cheap comparing to Norway, he could easily rent fancy apartment, have a housekeeper and to buy food, drinks and weed. Also his uncle explained that the Fallen Angel actually worked in Deutsche bank for some time, but was fired and it was not redundancy due to 2008 World Economic Crisis as The Fallen Angel told me. And since then he didn't work anywhere. I also found out that he actually lived in India, but he had to be hospitalized before coming to my country. However, he decided to come to stay in my country as his friend lived there and he didn't tell that to his family. And it was his last journey...

Almost two years passed since we talked the last time and all the emotions were hidden so deeply, but once I read some conversations in Facebook by writing this chapter, my tears were dropping the same way they did that day that I found out that he is no longer with me. I was avoiding to write this chapter at any means, because everything was too hidden and I tried to convince me that it didn't happen, that it was just a dream and that he was a terrible person. I was crying for couple of days non-stop then, then it took couple of months to understand that he is no longer alive. Sometimes I was dreaming about him and remembering the great moments that I had with him despite that I knew him only from February until April. I never felt so many feelings for one person, I was insane and addicted to him, he made me nuts and sometimes I hated him the most. Sometimes I imagined if not his self-destruction, we could love each other forever. Then I wished that we meet in the next live, where his parents would not be divorced, he did not have bipolar and we would be happily married and have children and grandchildren. But then I am back to reality and I understand that it is impossible. However, this story helped me to grow a lot as a person, I am not perfect of course, I am never going to be, but I understand that I can overcome any obstacles that come into my life, that I am incredibly strong and I can find positivity even in the darkest place. Also I understand now that powerful love exists and that how it is hard to see the one you love dying. My mother lost my father when he was 33 years old. The Fallen Angel was 33 years old as well. All of my life I was scared that I will lose my lover as well, and I did. However, I fell and I rose again.