Thoughts worth expressing

Conflicted

So, I'm not really gonna introduce myself. I'll just explain why I chose to write about my thoughts and ideas.

I honestly love to write but, the reason why I believe that writing about this stuff'll help me is because I am not really 100% happy with my life. I'm a greedy, selfish person like every privileged person on this planet. I mean it in the most reverential way possible, we privileged people take things for granted but, I get it. You can't know what it feels to have to walk ten miles just to get a drink of water, until you're actually in that position. Yet, as privileged as one can be, it doesn't mean that you're necessarily satisfied with yourself and with what you do.

I don't do enough for the planet or for people my age that have it a million times harder than I do. I think that goes for at least 40% of people that have a "stable" life (economically). I have days where I am so disappointed in myself for not taking advantage of my opportunities and ideas. I have days where I want to cry my eyes out because I feel so useless. I think about things too much. I'm a huge over thinker. I don't go to parties because i get way too anxious and i only drink when i'm with my friends or family.  And for some reason I don't get anything done.

I've been told by almost every person I've met in my teenage life that I am one of the most interesting people they've ever met, which is weird for me because I consider everyone extremely interesting. Have you ever wondered what your classmates do after school everyday? I have, I do, all the time. Not just my classmates but people I see at the store, or in a parking lot. Maybe the lady that cleans your school that just bumped into you has no idea how she'll get through this week because her job pays her close to nothing.

I think and I feel and I think again. it's harder than it sounds, I swear. I mean, I don't do it on purpose but I can't help but feel compassion and sympathy towards everyone I meet. I want to help everyone always, and I know that's a good thing. But i've been told I should help myself first.

*tangent*, my parents are divorced. I live with my mom, stepdad and two brothers. my dad lives a couple hundred miles from me and also has two children with my ex-stepmom. I tell my dad just about anything. I tell my mom a lot, but different. When I feel bad or sad or something, I tell my dad. Not my mom. she is, what one would call a very verbally aggressive and loud (really loud) person. My dad is the one that is more of a pep talker. My mom thinks i don't have problems I guess, because I don't tell her any of my big problems. I feel like she'd just kind of shrug it off because she's a really tough person.