I got a strange urge to write the numbers of the days but I wanted something a little unconventional so the numbers are in Norwegian. So I'll start off with what I did today. I got a really big (and emotional) talk, courtesy of my mother. It was really bad at first because she wouldn't stop yelling and then we drove around for a bit and she got a bit softer and asked me if I need help and that she only wants the best for me. It's not the first time I get one of these but I'm always thrown off when they do happen because if I could just do that when I'm feeling anxious or when I feel that's it's necessary to let shit out, I would give those types of talks on a regular basis. but that's my problem, I've never been good at talking about my raw emotions. So I keep everything bottled up. Probably the best advice that my mom has given me was something that she said today, she said "the only thing that I want for you is for you to go to bed every night feeling productive and satisfied with what you chose do to that day."
It's really fucking hard to not admit that I do feel like I need help, but I just can't seem to get myself to ask for it. I sometimes have day dreams where I jump out of the car like Steve carrell in that one movie or that I scream at the top of my lungs in public when I feel too overwhelmed. I mean that in the least insane way possible, I just think it's funny to visualize it. I've been having a lot of issues lately. I can't pin point one specific topic but: death, religion, style, my future, the planet etc.
The only way that I can actually visually explain it (and this is gonna sound so lame but bear with me) is with the music video for a song called boyfriend by Ariana Grande. basically what happens in the video is that she goes to a party and sees the guy she likes with a girl and she gets so jealous that she imagines that she tackles the girl so she could have him and then she snaps back to reality where she can't actually do that so she has to just play it off and do nothing. that's the way that I feel sometimes, like I want to do something but I know it wouldn't be right so I just don't do anything. that goes for any topic, not just specifically liking someone.
I need to be a little more in the moment and ambitious because I need to find a way to live my life properly and without restraint and without feeling like less all the time. that's on my to do list now so let's see what happens tomorrow.
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Randomthis is my life. whoever you are, reading this, this is a story that is as real and as genuine as possible. this is kind of a blog about my life and what I think, but turned into a story?
