how the music guides me * joshler

XIII

"what ?" she asked me , obviously surprised by the question.

i can't help but continue smiling , i knew she would say yes . she just needed to let the shock leave .

but she doesn't say yes , so i ask again , a little uncertain this time .

"will you marry me ?"

we were in a beautiful national park , on a beautiful stone pathway , surrounded by trees and flowers , and a beautiful sunset seemed painted across the sky , so delicately, that it looked real . and it was real . all of this was real . the park , the stone pathway , the trees and flowers , and the sunset that had now seemed to be disappearing as i waited for an answer .

jenna and i haven't been on very good terms since i told her about my and josh's kiss . i thought this would help us get closer again , she had seemed to be growing distant . going out more with friends , not kissing me hello or goodbye , and the smile that i loved so much was barely ever there .

and sometimes , i could hear her up at night downstairs on the phone with her mom , crying .

i felt so bad for what i did to her . she doesn't deserve this . she doesn't deserve me .

"i'll always love you ." she once said to me .

i took those words as , "no matter how much you will hurt me , i will put my trust in you , i will give you my heart , not only , but other things i can give no one else . i will never leave you ."

and i told her the same . i would always love her .

but now that i look back , i can tell that's not what she meant . she meant , "i will put my trust in you , i will give you my heart , not only , but other things that i can give no one else , but in return , you must never betray me . i have given you my faith , and if you ruin that , and tear my heart , i will feel sorrow when i hear your name . i will ache at the sight of you ."

and though i still see in her eyes that she loves me , and that she cares for me , it is not the same love i once knew she had for me .

this love is distant , cold , and hurt .

so when she says what she says , i feel no shock at her answer , and no anger towards her . i have brought this on myself .

"tyler , i'm sorry , it's just- things haven't been the same , and you know that . ever since-"

she can't bare to speak of what i did out loud . and i won't force her to .

"i know . i'm sorry ." i say and stand up .

i can tell she doesn't care that i kissed him . it's how when i told her that i did , i blushed , and she could see in my eyes that i enjoyed it , and she could tell i wanted more by the way i spoke the words to her , "i kissed him ." the want of him , the need to feel him again . and although she knew that i still wanted and needed her , she couldn't bare to know that i felt the same towards another . she is selfish . and i understand . i would not want her with another .

and as i looked at her , i saw in her expression so much hurt , she knew it was time , and so did i .

to much has happened , it was all too soon . just fresh out of college , thinking i could get my life together and start a family , with no job , no money , no help , except from her , who was the same as me , a young adult who thought they could grab something so far from reach .

i barely know who i am , what i want to do , who i want to be , and who i want to find myself with .

she knew it was time for this to end , and so did i .