how the music guides me * joshler

XIV

i stay outside of josh's house , hyperventilating . i am blinded with tears . my hands shake so much i can barely grab my phone and headphones , but i mange .

i put my earplugs in my ears and wait for a song to calm me down .

i am unable to breathe steadily . my lungs hurt . i feel like they have collapsed and i am holding on for dear life .

i have never been through a heart break , and yet , i am now going through two at the same time , and my god does it hurt .

i feel so alone , and i want help . i want it so bad . i want to call jenna , i want to run back in josh's house . i need comfort , but i can't find any .

i'm ashamed of myself , and i feel guilty . i want to punish myself for everything i've done . i have caused pain and suffer to the ones i love , why am i allowed to cry right now when it is my fault and i have brought this on myself ? why am i allowed to break down when i have ruined others ?

i wipe my tears and hit play on the playlist i've never listened to .

"too much love will kill you ."

ironic.

i have calmed down , the emotions have left .

i feel numb now .

the ache is gone , but i still know what i have to do .

no one is happy with me .

my parents are still mad at me .

hasn't changed since the day i came out to them .

and my sibling still won't forgive me for leaving .

i left all my friends behind .

i left jenna .

i left josh .

there is no need for me to continue hurting people , and there is no need for me to continue hurting myself slowly , when i can end it all so fast .

but i don't know where , or how .

so i close my eyes .

let the music guide you .

i start walking , not knowing where i'm going to end up .

this isn't the first time i've wanted to do this . the wanting of it comes so often , it's just this time , it needs to be done . i have no other way . i'll never be the same . they'll always be in my mind and i will feel hopeless at the thought of them . if i do fall in love again , i know it won't be as good as what i felt towards josh , or as sweet as it was with jenna . the hunger won't exist, i'm sure of it . and the smiles and laughter , what kept me alive , will never come back .

i notice i pass my and jenna's house . the lights are off , she's not home . probably at her home with her mother . i hope she finds happiness . i hope she finds someone she can fall in love with just as much as she did with me .

and same with josh .

josh .

i'm sure what he did was cut himself . that's why he changed the subject . i feel horrible . it's so horrible that he felt the need to do that , and do it because of me .

the more i think about them the more i want to cry . so i push them from my thoughts and keep walking .

i look around . it is now dark out . the beautiful sky has disappeared and left behind black nothingness . i should like it . i usually like it .

***

i find myself at the top of the apartment where josh and i first kissed .

where i messed everything up .

i stop myself . i think .

what i'm about to do , there's no going back . if i do this , i am never going to move on from it . that'd obviously be impossible . the thought gives me the chills , but i know it's what i have to do . i am so emotionally unstable right now and i don't think i'll ever recover .

i am broken .

and i need to do what needs to be done . not only for others , but for myself .

it's the only way .

so i step to the edge of the building . my right foot taking the first step , and my left finishing . like always .

i look down into the street . barely any cars . i look up at the sky . "see you soon ." i whisper to it , my breath coming out in fogs .

i close my eyes ,

and jump .