Disclosure - a Ziall fanfiction

An explanation

Yes. I haven’t written anything in this for ten months, and I feel like I owe you an explanation.

If you’re not interested in reading this, you can just skip it, although I would appreciate if you read it.

So, where do I start?

Basically, a lot has happened in my life the last months, and some of that caused Disclosure to become a lot more personal than it was. For one, I lost a friend who committed suicide. And here’s the story;

Three years ago, I was in a hotel room with four of my best friends, incuding the one that is now dead. We were kidding around, and all of a sudden we discovered that she, let’s call her Kara, was gone. She had changed to her PJs, and her shoes were there, so we couldn’t understand where she had gone. Then we discovered that the door to the balcony was open, and me and one of the other girls went out there, and then we found her.

We carried her inside, wrapped her in a blanket, and encouraged her to tell us what was wrong. She told her that she had been bullied her whole life, and that at age 10, she had tried to commit suicide. This was during a holiday to her grandparents. She became close friends with this girl, and also two other of her friends.

When Kara was 13, one of the two others died in a car crash. And this night in the hotel room, she got the message that the girl who saved her, lost her fight against the cancer. And that now, she felt like we were the only real friends she had.

I know she didn’t make up this story, because I saw that horrible text message.

Sounds familiar?

Yes.

This was the story I made Niall tell Zayn in chapter two and three.

I never talked with her about this again, although we stayed close friends. In August, I moved to a boarding school, and in November, she killed herself. And I felt really, really horrible for not talking to her more, for not being there for her. And obviously, it’s been hard, and I miss her so, so much. It never passes a week where I don’t dream about her, and I keep forgetting that she’s dead.

I’ve discovered a lot of things about grief, and I understand now how hard it must have been for her when she lost her friends.

And I felt really, really horrible for “using” her story in my fanfic. It was like, who does that? And also, it felt weird that a few months before she died, I wrote this story and posted it on the web. That a few months before she died, I had spent time thinking about how she wasn’t okay, and still, I didn’t do anything about it.

Also, when I reread it now, it seems so unrealistic that Niall just cried a night, and then didn’t think more about it. I thought that if any of my readers had lost someone close to them, how would they feel about me just forgetting about Niall’s grief?

So, yeah.

Secondly, I’ve spent a year at boarding school with so much other things going on, and thirdly, I’ve finally realised that I like both genders myself. So, yeah.

I feel a bit weird about writing more, now that it’s so much more personal to me, but I really want to try. And I’m not gonna change where the story is going, but try to follow my original plan for where the story is heading.

So if anyone want to talk to me about grief, loss, suicide or missing someone, I have a bit experience now, and I would gladly talk to you. It does help to talk to someone. Just message me.

Thank you so much for being so supportive and so patient.

-          Goldie