Resolutions | Carol

Marvels

           

There was still a portion of day which stained the pallid sky. Carol and I got dressed and prepared to go out. She had insisted we go out to celebrate. Where should we go? She had asked. My mental response was Waterloo, but instead I suggested the restaurant we went to for our first luncheon. Therese, you truly are a romantic. I played that line over and over, undulating in my mind. She pulled on her fur coat, ruffled her hair once on either side. She then picked up her gloves, slapping them across her palms twice.

"Are you ready?" She tilted her head as she leant across the doorframe. I hitched my coat from its hanger and thread my arms through the sleeves. I nodded gently and she opened the door for me. We descended the steps where her car lay in parallel. "I need to stop for a letter on the way, I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not." The seats of the car were cold, but I had no objections. She turned the key and the car roared into life, awakened by her touch. She delicately placed her hands on the wheel and she drove to the post office. The constellation of street lights flicked and lapped against our faces. Rain had begun to fall, it gently streaked the windows where condensation lingered. I stared deep into the night but only found brief reflections of me and then strangers. We pulled up by the post office.

"I shan't be long." I believed her, how could I not? The heaters continued to emanate warmth and I press my face up against the cold glass, letting my breath steam up the window. The rain pelted like soldiers now, marching to the pulse of the world. You could feel its beating heart, the movement of its lungs and the blood rushing through the veined streets.  She came back with a letter, still sealed, and dropped into the driver's seat with a sigh. It was a legal document, I thought. She thrust the envelope onto the dashboard, unread. I both admired her and was irritated at her for that; her ability to ignore the important with the possibility of it being negative. The possibility piqued my interest greater than it did hers.

"Aren't you going to open it?" As if it were a love letter in which I confessed my affinities, but it wasn't it was most definitely from the solicitors. It was probably about Rindy, possibly about Harge.

"Not now." She paused and brushed the rain from her coat which had become dense at the tips of the fur. "Tonight is about us." She turned and smiled equivocally. Don't do that, I thought. Don't act like you don't care when it tears you up inside, not being with Rindy.

"Carol, you have been altruistic enough. Please, it is okay to read something that matters, that is about your family. You can indulge in curiosity."

"You are both my family and my indulgence, Therese." Her statement was omniscient, yet stolid.

"Carol, if it is of great importance." She snatched the envelope irksomely and glared at me as she undid the seal. She read and read, her eyes analysing each mark. Tracing, re-tracing over the occasional point. I stare at her so intensely I wonder if I would be able to burn the paper she held. I couldn't read it, so I read her face as a substitute. She folded the paper up and placed it into her bag before starting to drive.

Silence.

What had she read? Why didn't she tell me? Why am I being so infantile? "So?" My voice was solemnly eager.

"So?" Her voice was almost disgusted as if I had accused her of murder.

"What did the letter say?"

"It was from Harge and his solicitor. Stating that if he could come to my new apartment for an inspection of my life, I could see more of Rindy. He has asked to stay overnight, to check that my so-called lifestyle wouldn't be seen or interfere with Rindy if she were to stay over."

"Is that positive?"

"It's perverse." Her voice raised and sounded rough. "As if my existence is offensive to my own daughter. They want to make sure that there are no other women staying in the apartment. Suggesting a promiscuous nature. Fuck." Her casual swearing had always attracted me but I suddenly feel distant.

"You could see more of her, though."

"And se less of you, Therese. He would have the right to rummage through my things, seeking signs of your presence. Detecting you, detecting us like a dog. As if we were illegal bandits. I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position."

"I'm not. Perhaps... perhaps you could just stay with me, when you can. If you can stay, and I won't stay overnight at your apartment."

"Therese, I wanted you to move in, not just drop by." Her eyes were so focused on the road it seemed like she was stalking something.

"I know, but if you more of Rindy-"

"I want to see more of you."

We got to the restaurant and had our meal and minimal drinks. Conversation was hard to amass and even harder to swallow or digest. Abasing silence echoed through the whole evening. For the entire time I loathed myself, if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have opened the damn letter. I kept looking up at her but she grew smaller with every glance, so I stopped and just stared downwards. It got to the point where she was driving me home. We arrived at my door and she didn't get out but insisted that she drive home as she had a few calls to make. To her solicitor possibly, to Abby unequivocally.

I remained unsettled for the rest of the evening.  Perturbed by the possibilities, I didn't doubt Carol for a second but Harge was different. I didn't know him, nor did I know much about him. He loves her, or did love her once, this much was evident from how he had clung onto her. My apartment looked dismal without her, despondent almost. I see my bed, ironically naked without her. I had no desire to go near it, not without her because now it seemed almost repulsive. I don't even go into my room in fear of invading the once sensual. So, I slumped onto the couch. I longed for my pyjamas but wrapped a blanket around me and nothing more. I shivered the rest of the night with an intermittent state of slumber.

Morning rose, seeping lifelessly through cracks and creaks. There was a letter waiting by the time I had got dressed, ready for work, it read.

My dearest Therese,

I have decided to take Harge's offer in hopes that I may see more of Rindy. As always, my love, your words resonate within me. I may however, have to delay visiting you so that I can pack and move. Our old house is sold, so now we just need to move in. I mean 'we' because I look forward to the days where I wake with you in my arms. For now, alas we must wait. I should unfinish packing today and Harge shall be staying the day after. I shall call you after his stay at six o'clock, I long to hear your voice my love. I would ask you to write to me, but there isn't much time.

All of my love, forever and always

C

The letter was short, abrupt and ever so affectionate. I could hear her reading it, narrating my entire life. I shall wait, but I shall miss you.