The Fire That Sparked My Soul- Newtmas AU

Chapter Six

♫Control by Halsey 

~There's a poem in this chapter that I feel delivers a very strong message and can also relate to Newt's depression. 

~I have exams in about ten weeks so I'm going to be studying a lot more and it might be difficult for me to write up a chapter but I'm going to keep trying. I really need to pass my exams because I don't want to do resits next year so from March 1st my main priority is to study.

Thomas's POV

I can see past the mask Newt puts over his face. He pretends to be happy but, deep down, we all know he's not. Everybody knows he's depressed and some days are much worse than others, but what can we do?

Sometimes, we don't know how to help.

We all sit in silence at our tables in English. We sit in a group of six. Minho and Alby sit the top, Brenda and Teresa to their left, and Newt and I to their right. When Alby and I moved into this class - the top class- at the start of the year, these were the seats we chose to sit in. Fortunately, we were right at the back, so sometimes we could whisper quietly to one another.

But today was not one of those days. I know Newt feels like it's his fault that we sit not uttering a word, but if we did, I think it would upset him more. Nobody wants to admit that, though. 

I didn't realise I was staring at the desk until I lifted my eyes to look into Teresa's. I looked at everybody else while I had the chance, and they all bared the same look; misery. We shared sad, sympathetic smiles. 

Our teacher finally started the lesson which, I'll have to admit, was pretty damn boring. I felt like sleeping. My hand rested on my chin and a pen was poised in the other. I scribbled down notes as she spoke, trying to keep up. 

"Sonnet 29 by William Shakespeare," Miss Avery's voice rang through our ears. "Also known as 'When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes'. Thomas, would you be kind enough to read it out loud for us?"

Shit. I really hate reading out loud. It's more to do with anxiety than anything else if I'm being honest. Sometimes the little things trigger a panic attack.

"I'll read it," Teresa's soft, gentle voice pulled me from my moment of terror.

"Very well," Miss Avery replied.

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

There's a pit in my stomach as I hear Teresa read  aloud each word. Could the teacher have chosen this poem for a specific reason, or could it just be a coincidence?

"This poem is about a man who is suffering from depression and loses joy and happiness in everything he once loved and wishes he could be another man or at least trade his luck with someone else. However, at the turning point he realises he's lucky to have what he has and shouldn't think so negatively about his life, and he would never want to change places with a king," Miss Avery spoke with confidence. 

Newt shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Everyone at our table drew a shaky breath and didn't dare look at anyone except the teacher.

"Newt, who do you think the narrator of the poem is?" Miss Avery asked. That damned bitch for making Newt answer when he's like this.

"William Shakespeare."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because he grew up with little money and lived in poverty, so he probably envied those who had everything he wanted but couldn't have." Newt said loudly enough for everyone to hear. His voice sounded lower and less cheerful. 

"Perfect. So, with your exams coming up pretty soon, I expect you to start studying..." Her voice droned on. 

I turned to face Newt who looked straight back at me. "Are you okay?" I whispered.

"I'm as good as I can be right now" Newt was honest with me at least. 

We sat and listened to Miss Avery talking for another twenty minutes before she told us to discuss the main themes of the poem in groups. Like hell we're gonna do that.

"Party at mine on Saturday. Be there at eight," Minho was the first to speak as the room burst into loud conversations.

"Who's going?" Brenda spoke up, trying to be heard over the noise that filled the classroom.

"Everybody's invited. My parents are away on another business trip this weekend, so we have the house to ourselves, as long as somebody helps tidy up the next day. You're all welcome to stay afterwards. I know you'll all end up drinking and it's illegal to drive while you're intoxicated."  Minho rambled.

There was a chorus of laughs and people answeing 'okay' as we all agreed with Minho, even Newt let a smile appear on his face as he forced a response from his mouth.

Maybe this weekend can help Newt relax and look at the world in a positive way once more.

Newt's POV

I can't say no, can I? Don't get me wrong, I love parties, but I'm not really in a good place right now. I accepted the offer anyway. I hate being rude.  

There is one benefit; alcohol. It makes me feel again. I love the buzz that runs through my body and tingles every inch of my skin. Sometimes, if I drink something strong enough, the darkness in my mind vanishes and it's only me and my friends in a sea of strangers dancing along to drowned out music. 

There's always the hangover the next day but it's totally worth it. 

For the rest of the period I listen to Thomas, Teresa, Brenda, Alby and Minho talk about the party. 

"It's going to be wicked," Thomas yells just as the bell rings. We grab our bags and swing them over our shoulders before walking out of the classroom. 

Brenda and Teresa split off from us and go to French. Alby and Minho went to Physics while Thomas and I progress to Biology. We walk in silence as the noise of feet padding on the floor and chatter fill our ears.

We take our seats, again, at the back of the classroom, and I lean forwards to rest the palm of my hand on my jawline. My fingers rest on my cheeks and the tips graze my cheekbones. I can feel Thomas's stare burning into me but I avoid speaking.

"I have your test results marked and graded," Mrs Penny bellows over the commotion in the classroom. "I'm very pleased with some of the marks. There are a number of you who have stepped up and shown me that you can do this. I have every faith that the people gaining over sixty percent will pass the exam in May." 

Mrs Penny started walking down the centre of the classroom, her heels clicking on the floor, as she handed out our test results. She moved slowly but she was swift. Her fingers skimmed the corners of the paper and flicked them up with her nails. 

I eyed her closely as she sat Thomas's on his desk, and then mine in front of me. I breathed slowly, turning the paper cautiously.

94%, it read. I'm thrilled with that. 

"What did you get?" I questioned Thomas. I knew he had been working extremely hard, he definitely deserved an A.

"Ninety five percent," he whispered. I was astounded. Thomas went from low B's and C's to an A. Words could not begin to explain how proud I am of him.

"Well done, Tommy, one mark higher then me!" I replied, my voice quiet so nobody could hear us. 

"Holy shit, Newt," His mouth dropped. "That's... I can't believe it. Thank you so much for studying with me last week, that really helped."

"No problem, mate, no problem at all." 

For once, I was genuinely happy-ecstatic.