svt · junctions

ii. yjh

The heaviness doesn't cease for Yoon Jeonghan.

He wakes up to a pile of unfinished homework from the night before, which he doesn't even touch, because he has an inescapable duty with his family restaurant; apparently, to his parents, that's more important than the grades that will keep him in university and land him in a laudable job in the future.

"Han! Get up! You're already fifteen minutes late and the customers are starting to pile in!" His mother yells from the shop downstairs.

Jeonghan rubs the sleep from his eyes and hobbles towards their bathroom to wash his face and tie his hair back, putting it underneath a hair-net. He walks towards to door and slides the apron hanging behind it over his head, tying a knot as he stretches out his back; it makes a satisfying crack noise, and he walks down a short flight of stairs.

There's nothing more painful for him than the disapproving look he immediately gets from his mother when he reaches the bottom of the stairs. It hurts enough that he makes a face, his mother takes notice.

"What are frowning about? And who told you to sleep in?" His mother chastises and pushes a clipboard for his orders towards his chest.

"I stayed up late stu—"

"Who told you that you could stay up late?"

"Ma, I had homework..."

"You couldn't do it at school?" His mother doesn't back down, "you know that you're needed here, and yet you still put yourself first. Is that how insignificant we are to you?"

"Ma, it's not that..." Jeonghan looks down at his feet, feels the familiar thud of his heart as it falls to his stomach.

"We'll talk later," His mother pushes him towards the door leading to the shop, "get your head together and take those orders, all right, Hannie?"

He doesn't answer, just pushes the door open and heads towards the table of the first customer.

-

The walk towards school is hot and humid and Jeonghan doesn't really know why he tries anymore.

All his life, his parents pushed him to top his classes; the only thing he's ever known is the sensation of memorizing concept after concept in order to ace his tests, and the fear that comes when he doesn't.

He remembers, during elementary, being chased down with a broomstick because he flunked one class, and that was enough for him to learn his lesson.

That moment stayed with him even when he entered high school. By then, it had become a ritual for him to stay up to study and finish all his requirements long before they're due.

Night after night, he read the contents of his syllabus in advance, in order to be ahead of everyone in his class. It worked, for a while, until he was moved to a star section with overachievers that surpassed his grade-conciousness, and he was left behind.

The only solution he could think of was to study harder; this led to him not sleeping on some nights, just for him to catch up. Gaining credits by joining org after org, shouldering special projects from his teacher, the likes.

It lifted him up that's for sure, he topped all of his classes for those years, so he continued, and turned it into an unhealthy habit.

And it worked perfectly, until it didn't.

One day, Jeonghan was doing his daily routine of moving to one of his organizations' rooms instead of going home like everyone else —he hadn't slept that night, but he wasn't feeling any different since this act isn't new to him anymore— and as he was walking down the slowly emptying corridors, he felt it.

The sudden sluggish tone of his steps, the heaviness of his eyelids, the black dots forming on the sides of his vision, the cold sweat running down his back...

That day, Yoon Jeonghan, ace-card of class 2A, finally gave in, and passed out.

One of his classmates saw him as he hit one knee on the tiled floor and quickly ran to his aid, bringing him to the infirmary, where he was nursed to recovery.

This occurance gave him a week off of organizational activities.

And Jeonghan was scared. It doesn't matter how his classmate described his condition then with 'his hands were clutched into solid fists' and 'his lips turned paper white', he could lose the credit he worked so hard for.

He didn't take the week off. He gave himself at most one day.

It's only a matter of time until something like this happens again, but of course, something like this wouldn't phase Yoon Jeonghan.

Especially since his parents refused to acknowledge his condition, calling him dramatic, telling him that it's his fault for not taking a break.

But you wanted me to be like this right?

He continued through his sophomore year, into his early junior year, until he didn't have to.

You can only imagine how hard it is to break a habit you've carried for years, because in his junior year, Jeonghan was forced to do so.

Yet again, Jeonghan became a victim of his parents' choices.

Because his parents' priorities suddenly shifted from him acing his classes to him being a stellar employee of their newly established restaurant—an attempt to reimburse what they lost through their vices.

He needed to wake up at ungodly hours of the morning to help with cooking, then he had to clean down the tables before he flipped the sign at the door from closed to open. When customers started to go in, he would approach and take orders. Rinse. Repeat. Until it's time for school.

For the first few months, he tried to keep up with this schedule: Stay up until the wee hours of darkness, wake up when the first signs of light peek through the clouds, work in the shop until the sun is dead center in the sky, walk to school, study, do extracurriculars, go back home to work again.

Jeonghan did try, but this pattern just doesn't work; he either had to sleep early and jeopardize his studies, or go to work late and disappoint his parents.

His life has always been a pursuit to make his parents proud, and he chose the obvious option.

Through this, Yoon Jeonghan, crowned ace card of class 3A, lost the throne.

He tried to cope with this loss, but slowly it turned into apathy. He couldn't find it in himself to care for something he couldn't fix anymore, so he let it slip from his fingers; all his hard work, turned to dust.

It was that easy to ruin something he worked so hard for.

His habit, he sometimes tries to do it all over again; like last night, he stayed up for homework that he couldn't even finish, which made him oversleep, and rendered him late for his 'job', and earned him a scolding.

This is probably the most he's earned this week.

So Jeonghan now walks towards his university, in the blistering heat, with his hands tightly grasping the straps of his backpack as he tries to hold back his tears.

He traces the familiar path with his feet until he comes across a curve that signals the nearing university gate, and he finally looks up.

Dong-Ah University.

Jeonghan clutches the straps of his backpack again. Somehow, it managed to become ten times heavier.

-----

published: 180218 10:04pm