The Diary Of Leonna Woods

What We Accept

      At a young age i learned the harsh reality of rejection. At 4, i passed a youg boy a note with a check box, asking if he liekd me or not. He checked no, and i went on in life. End of the short, meaningless, no moraled story. Digging deeper, before i asked if he liked me back, i thought what i felt for that tantrum infected, bastard, was love. Looking back, i see how ignorant i was, but i truly thought i loved him. He was very attractiv ei remeber, and i remeber clear as a cloudless day thinking to myself, "Im in love, im going to marry that boy and grow old with his kids." Jesus, what was wrong with me. How shallow i thought what love was.

        My parents worked long hours when i was young, did not have a whole lot of time for me and my younger brother Harris, so we lived part time with my grandparents, who bickered more then little kids.  they would yell at each other for the most minor things, such as unclean dishes, a toothbrsh misplaced. Little things set my grandmother off. My mother picked us up after a few hours, and began to ask us the usual, how was our day, did we have fun, blah blah blah. But i couldn't help but assk, "Why don't grammy and pappy get a divorce? They fight all the time. And they never kiss. Its not love without kisses." I wasn't able to wrap my small mind around the idea that Diseny was utter bullshit about, kissing and true love. So i was bitch slapped with reality, and reassurance by my mother, they wre old and it didn't make sense to split up this late into their lives.  

        Point is, love for me was skin deep in my opion, and it was a chore and bitch to keep up. I learned it can be real in that one in a shooting star chance, but mostly i still am in a world convinced that love is nothing but fairy tale. We are exspected to have babies, born and raised to seek our prince as a girl. And then have perfect lives, serving our men, or taking care of our beutiful babies. That we are all perfect, that somone will always love us; and maybe i am too young to fully exspiriment with trying to find that one, not that i have tried, but i have yet to find a tolerable trustowrthy person to call my own.  

        I think it is due to my phobia, and huge fear of being vunerable, opening up. Rejection is not a fear, but its more of somebody seeing i have feelings, that im weak." The moment you are perceived as weak, you already are"; that sentence holds from truth then the bible. 

        In my 15 years, i have been stomped on, and spat on by the ones i thought "loved" me. But i wouldn't trade thsoe meomries or exspirances for all the riches in the world. I needed the exspriance to learn and toughen up. It ws a thorough was for my adolecent body to start building the wall around my emotions. To learn at such a young age that it was all lies, and propoganda to teach us to grow up with the ambition of finding a husband or wife, if just absolute brainwash. My ambition and dream is to be a single, working woman who can support herself. If i find a partner with my intellegigence and IQ, maybe i would consider. Until then, all i can hope for is thatMy prince charming holds his horses, and allows me to live wihtout love. For how can you love another another being without being able to love yourself?