Alters

Twelve

"I'm a wreck of a person." Casper softly mutters. "I invite you over and I start crying... How ridiculous can I be?"

"It's completely fine, Casper. Meg does the same thing. I'll switch and she'll have been sobbing uncontrollably, and my makeup will be messed up and I will look like a complete wreck. Some people can't control what they're like. It's completely fine." I say.

"Yeah, but you probably never get depressed like I do." Casper sighs, letting go of our embrace. "You probably don't have medications like I do either."

"Oh, I have multiple medications." I sigh. "I have antidepressants, depressants, antipsychotic medication, and anxiety medication. Antidepressants are for Meg and I, even though the psychiatrist hasn't fully been able to diagnose her due to her never talking to him. Depressants are for Cecilia, because let's face it; she's crazy. Antipsychotics are for Endora, when she's getting really angry and somewhat violent. My mom gets scared and gives it to her when she feels unsafe. The anxiety medication is for me because I do have high anxiety rates."

"What are all those names?" Casper asks.

"I cam never remember my anxiety medication name or Endoras antipsychotic medications name, but Meg and I are on citalopram and Cecilia is on atropine. I have to take the anxiety pills and the antidepressants when I'm at home and feeling troubled because it lessens the chances of them all coming out. The anxiety ones usually keep Ce and Micah away, and antidepressants help keep Endora and Meg away." I explain.

"That's really crazy." Casper sighs. "I really can't imagine what it would be like having alters inside my mind."

"Sometimes, I don't even fall asleep as myself. One day, I had missed an entire day because Cecilia didn't let me take control! It was the 6th, and I wake up on the 8th!" I exclaim with a laugh.

"That would be pretty delirious. How do you manage?" Casper asks.

"I guess it's just the norm for me." I sigh. "Something that's been with me for so long."

"When we get to be closer friends, I want to know your past." Casper says really confidently. The amount of confidence in his voice almost shocks me.

"Um, there's nothing to know." I say. "I barely know anything about my past. You aren't going to find out much about myself if you search. After all, dissociative equals amnesia, therefore meaning I'm an amnesiac kid with other identities in my mind, all leading up to a fucked up disorder."

"Fine. I'll wait for all your alters to come out so I can ask each and every one of them." Casper smirks, folding his arms.

"You don't have any guarantees on meeting them all." I say softly.

"I've met two already. How hard can it be to get the other two to meet me?" Casper asks with a soft chuckle.

"Well, ask Maria about that. She hasn't met Meg, and she comes over every single day." I sigh. "Meg only comes out during assignments because I get really anxious and nervous. You'll probably never meet her in the entirety of our friendship. I have no clue what she helped with in my past. I at least have slight clues for the other 3, but I will never know with Meg because she has only ever communicated with a teacher, my mom, and the other alters. She won't ever come out on any other goddamn given time!" I'm almost shouting at this point. Why won't she ever tell me about anything? What is so bad in my past that she keeps so hidden?! I can take it, it all happened in my body anyways!

I grab one of Casper's pillows, digging my nails into it with frustration. He looks at me with a confused expression, unsure of what I'm so worked up about.

"I just... I deserve knowing." I mutter, fighting back tears. "She keeps herself so enclosed, as if she were a tortoise, hiding inside her huge, thick shell. She's basically me, and I deserve knowing what has happened to me, no matter how much I don't want to struggle! I need to know what happened to me. I can't just walk around as a person that I don't even recognize. I look in the mirror, and I try to imagine myself as a little girl, but I can't remember it because of this fucking dissociation!" I bite my lip and sigh. Casper looks at me with a sympathetic look.

"I'll find out for you." He says. "I promise I will. I'll get the full stories from Micah, from Cecilia, from Endora, and even from Meg. I'll get the stories from all of them, and I'll tell you everything. I promise you, even if it takes years. I'll get the story for you."

I smile nervously at him, and he cocks his head, followed by a slight chuckle.

"I promise you, I'll show you that I am a friend who will keep my words. Maybe I should wait until all of them trust me first. I may have to get everything from Meg really fast though. She seems like she'll be hard to catch." Casper laughs.

"I have an idea." I say suddenly, as if a lightbulb had just clicked on in my mind. "Write Meg a letter. Say you want to spend the day with her. Something like that. An invitation! Yes, write Meg an invitation to spend the day with you. She'll need to listen to it. Make it for whatever date you want; the weekend, next month; whenever! She'll have to. I'll leave it in the journal, and she'll see it whenever she's out at home. Hopefully she'll respond to your invitation." I smile.

"Enfants! Dessert est prêt!" Zoë calls from outside of Casper's room.

"Merci beaucoup madame!" Casper shouts back.

"De rein." Zoë replies.

"C'mon, we need to go downstairs for dessert. Eating in our rooms are disrespectful when having company. At least, to my parents it is." Casper smirks, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door.

We walk down the spiralling staircase and into a large dining area. A huge, fancy chandelier hangs off the ceiling, and the desserts all sit under cute little silver platter lids. Casper's family sits at the table, smiles on their face, all eyes on us. He waves at them, a small smirk sliding onto his face. We sit down, though I notice Ashley and Rosalinda's eyes don't leave me.

"Bon appétits!" Zoë says, clapping her hands twice and sitting down at the table. Everyone opens their platter, and the sweet smell of strawberry fills the air. Casper looks down at the food, but I can tell he's debating on eating. I would contemplate as well, but I try to eat everything when I'm with other adults. I notice that Ashley and Rosalinda still keep looking at me, as if they are in a contest to see who can look at me the longest. I look down most of the time, attempting to listen in to Wes and Jared's conversation, considering Casper and Zoë speak in complete French conversations.

"Lyric." Ashley suddenly says. I look up from my dish, adjusting my glasses and attempting at a smile.

"Yeah?" I ask, taking a forkful of the really tasty dessert.

"Tell me now, what did happen to Miles Christianson? He was sent to jail for... Raping women? What happened to your mother?" Ashley asks, and I feel my body stiffen. All I knew was my mom died, but I don't know how she died. I don't remember anything.

"Um, she died." I say simply after swallowing my food. Casper's attention seemed to have shifted over to our conversation, though the boys continue chatting.

"How exactly did your mommy die though?" Rosalinda pipes in, and I bite my lip, shifting uncomfortably. I close my eyes. I need help.

*"Guys, please. One of you help." I think to them.

"What kind of help are we speaking here? Seductive help? That's my thing!" Cecilia shouts.

"ARE ANY OF THEM BEING BITCHES? IM GONNA KILL THEM." Endora shouts.

I don't feel Endora take over my body.*