She found me and I found Allah

Chapter 11

He wasn't home. It had been a very long time. He had left his phone at home as well. I felt very alone in this house. Everyone had left. I couldn't even move. All this had reminded me of my Father's death when I was in my teenage years. I knew how he would be feeling right now and that was what scared me. I had never seen him the way I saw him today. The hollowness in his eyes. The feeling of not wanting to feel the pain. The pain that would never be filled. A void that would always remain. A void that, from time to time would remind itself no matter how many years would pass by. And no matter how much I wanted him to not go through this, he was going through it. And I was helpless. All I could do was pray for him and that's what I did.

I was working in the kitchen when I heard the door open. I switched off the stove as I heard the door click shut. I ran and hugged him, a sigh of relief escaping my lips. this time, however, something was different. His eyes were hollow and as I stood there with my arms wrapped around him, I didnt feel his arms around me. With furrowed brows, I moved backwards.
It was like he never noticed me. He just stood there motionless. It was a very strange situation for me. I took his arm and guided him to the bedroom. I was about to leave when he held my arm and asked me to stay. With tears struggling to break free from my eyes, I just nodded and switched off the light and hugged him.

There was no talking tonight. No sweet words. No childish behavior. Only tears. Ali's tears, with my hidden tears. But there were linked arms. And quietness. And for now, that was enough for us. For us to figure everything out.

"Alia."
"Hmm?"
"You probably ha--"
Before he completed his sentence I put my fingers on his lips, shushing him.
"Don't even think like that again. Ever. Do you understand?
I'm not here only for the good and happy times. Remember you said that it was'nt just our hearts that were one. Our souls are connected and linked to each others. So how can you think of such a thing? I am your wife. And im going to be with you through thick and thin. Through the ups and downs of life. Without you everything will be useless. And right now, thats the last thing that I would ever think of. You lost your Mom and crying and mourning over her is what you should be doing," I looked at him and traced my fingers along his jawline.
"Ali please dont bottle up your feelings at all. You dont have to pretend in front of me, honey. And you know that." I got up and moved a little further and kissed his forehead lovingly.
"Alia im scared. I dont know what will happen to me now. I might change a lot. I dont know,  it's like there's this darkness that has been trying to swallow me up. It just scares me. Alia my mom was my light. But now I don't know. I know she was diagnosed and we knew this would happen but I was never prepared. All these feelings are too hard to control. Theyre too heavy to hold. And I don't know what to do."
I looked up at him and wiped his tears.
"Don't control them then. If they're too heavy to hold then share their weight with me. I am here, Ali. But I want you to know that Mom would never want to see you like this. And she didn't leave. She's here. Right inside our hearts. The light that her being, once spread, is now inside us. She may physically not be here but she's here with us. Do you feel it? Her presence? When you talk the way you do? When you look at me lovingly or when you hold me the way you do? Do you not see her in your mannerisms?
Ali she may have left but her light is inside you. She is right here in your heart and will always be there no matter what. And no one can change that."
He didn't say anything but hugged me a little closer, pulling the blanket halfway up. We lay there in each other's arms, deep within our thoughts. Thinking of all that had happended in the past 24 hours. Trying to find the sleep that we had lost somewhere. Trying to hold each other together. Trying to pick each other up just the way we would have to do, very frequently now.