Hidden

Deserved

I walked beside German in the park eating my caramel apple. I hadn't spoke much.

German was telling me of funny things that had happened whilst I'd been gone in an attempt to cheer me up but I was too upset.

He then tried to not talk to me, hoping I would talk to him in my own time and although I wanted to, the words wouldn't come. I just opened my mouth and shut it again a few times before I gave up trying.

In a final attempt to cheer me up, German had brought me a caramel apple as he knows how much I love them. Yet today when I look at it, I only see Maria and how I've betrayed her. I recall the time when German and I had caramel apples together too, but that just reminds me of how things used to be and why they can't be like that again.

I was surprised actually that German hadn't asked me what was bothering me as he usually would, but today he just told me of things I had missed whilst I was gone and I was happy with that.

I wouldn't have to explain anything and I got to hear all the lovely memories. That was good for me.

"I've missed so much." I finally say once I felt I could talk without sobbing.

"You have, but you'll catch up and see the rest of the memories yourself. Soon you'll be dictating those memories to someone who wasn't there."

I almost choke on my caramel apple. There is no way he could know.

"Are you okay?" he says as he rubs my back.

"Yes I'm fine, just a kernal got stuck in my throat." I say trying to shrug it off.

"Good." says German, "Just be careful."

I smiled slightly and nodded my head.

"I hope you are feeling better anyway." says German, "It's nice to see you smiling."

This just causes me to smile and he returns my smile.

We walk in silence for a moment, but this time it's me who breaks it.

"German, why didn't you ask what was wrong?"

German shrugs, "I just didn't think I deserved to, if you'd like me to then I can."

"No, no. It's better you didn't ask. It's something I needed to do on my own but I'm confused. What do you mean you didn't deserve to?" I say confused.

"Well if Violetta had asked, that would be okay, because she has always cared for you and has never done anything to hurt you. But me? I've hurt you Angie so why would you turn to me for support? I don't deserve the honour of knowing even your worries. I don't deserve anything from you."

I sighed. What he was saying was crazy but it also made perfect sense.

"I understand that, but German you have to learn to forgive yourself, I forgave you a long time ago. It's time you forgave yourself too." I say as we are almost home.

"I'm not sure if I can. I know you'll never forget what I did and I only wish it could be forgotton." he says with a sigh.

"I choose not to forget it for a reason German and it's not a bad one. I choose to remember it, because it reminds me that you loved me." I say as we come to a stop outside the house.

"I still do Angie. I love you but I'm a mess because of what I did to you. I know things will never be the same and that drives me mad."

I bit my lip. I needed to control myself but I couldn't.

I pulled German closer to me and kissed him.