Her Midnight Thoughts

5

First Love

He was not my type of guy. He was way out of my league. I prefer guys who are older than me because I think they are mature enough to handle a relationship. But he was 4 years younger. Ni isa wala siyang napasa sa standards ko. But I still fell in love with him.

Nagsimula kami sa simpleng landian, nagtagal iyon ng halos isang buwan. We acted like were lovers but were not. I was bored kaya sinakyan ko ang trip niya and I never expected that he'll be the first one to give in. Inamin na niyang nahulog na siya sa akin.

Di ako makapaniwala nung una. Someone actually fall for me. I doubted him at first because alam ko yung ganung tipo ng lalaki. Kapag pinatulan ko siya, feeling ko hindi kami magtatagal. Dahil sa isip niya pa ay puro laro pa lamang. He's not mature enough. But my heart tells me that I should give it a try even my brain tells me otherwise.

I gave him a shot.

I was so inlove with him.

So inlove hanggang umabot sa point na naisip ko na kahit ako lang nag eeffort ay okay lang. Kahit ako ang nag aadjust at nahihirapan, okay lang. Kahit napapagsasalitaan na niya ako ng masakit, okay lang. Kaya ko pa namang tiisin. Kahit dumating na sa oras na pakiramdam ko na nababalewala na niya ang presensya ko, sige lang. Mahal ko e. I promised na kahit anong mangyari, di ko siya iiwanan.

Pero di pala dapat ganun dahil lang mahal mo. That wasn't my vision of love. It doesn't make me a better version of myself. It made me the worst. Almost everything sa akin, affected. My relationship to my family, friends, and pati sa trabaho ko. I can't get my act together. Most of the time, nawawala na ako sa sarili ko dahil sa kakaisip ko sa kanya.

Do I deserve that kind of love?

Is it really love?

Why can't I feel it?

Did he really love me?

There are so many questions in my mind but none of them were answered. Parang panaginip lang ang lahat.

Masakit isipin yung dating 'good morning' at 'good night' ay naging 'goodbye' na. Yung dating 'i love you' ay naging 'i hate you'. Ang dating matatamis na salita ay naging mapapait at maaanghang na. Ang dating nagpapatahan sayo kapag umiiyak ka ay siya na ang naging dahilan ng pag iyak mo.

At ang dating walang iwanan at nahantong pa rin sa hiwalayan.

I gave him up.

I broke up with him.

I broke my promise.

Di dahil sa di ko na siya mahal.

Yun ay nais kong matuto siya.

Matutong magpatawad at alisin ang galit sa puso niya. He needs to fix himself. And I think I'm not the one who can fix him.

I love him for who he is even if he's so fucked up. I love him kahit napakagago niya. I love him kahit walang kwenta siya. Mahal ko siya kahit ang sakit sakit na. Mahal ko siya sobra.

Di ko lubos maisip na kaya ko magmahal ng ganito. I almost gave everything up pero I didn't lose my self control. I still can't imagine myself giving my all to him. We're both a not ready for the consequences it may cause.

Pero if he'll ask a second chance, I might still give it to him. Yun e kung mahal ko pa rin siya.

To the guy named R.C.,

Hey, how are you? I still love you, babe. I missed your smile, your face, your presence, your hugs and your kisses. I missed being with you, cuddling with you. I missed sleeping beside you. I missed kissing you. I missed almost everything about you.

I want you to know that I still hope. Kahit alam kong di na mangyayari yun. Mahal na mahal pa rin kita, babe. Talk to me again, soon.

Your ex,

Me ~

Twttr: darabrnrd19