Her Midnight Thoughts

7

Close Friend

We met on facebook. Because we have the same circle of friends. Nagsimula lang kami sa pag aasaran hanggang sa naging malapit kaming magkaibigan. Araw-araw, gabi gabi kami nagkakachat. Then one time nagkaroon ng pagkakataon makavideo call ko siya. Wala kaming masyadong napag usapan nun. Patay na ang ilaw at hindi na niya ako maaaninag sa camera kaya nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na pagmasdan siya. We stayed like that until 4am, wala kaming pinag uusapan. Pinapakiramdaman lang ang presensya ng isa't isa.

The first time I saw him, doon ko na nasabing gusto ko na siya. Sabay kaming pumunta sa isang birthday celebration ng kaibigan namin. He was a real gentleman. I was supposed to treat him para sa pamasahe niya because I caused him a very hustle. Ang unang usapan kasi is that mag M MOA kaming magkakaibigan. Hindi niya plano pumunta that time because he's introvert and he does not like social gatherings. I think maybe he was depressed that time and I'm the only one na nagt tyaga na kausapin siya. But because my persistence, umoo siya sa akin so I felt responsible for him. Nung magbabayad na ako for the fare, tinanggihan niya na ilibre ko siya because ayaw niyang nililibre siya ng babae. I insisted pero ayaw niya talaga.

Then that's where it all started, everytime na gusto niya gumala, he will ask me. On his birthday, he asked me if I wanted to go to a museum in Cubao which the Art in Island kung saan may mga 3D paints dito where you can take pictures like your in the actual art. He was with a relative of his, his tita and I think it's his cousin also. I felt special that time because the thought he invited me to celebrate his birthday with him. Pwede naman niya ayain yung ibang mga kaibigan but why me? Dito na ako naging assumera that somehow I am also special to him too. Na sa pinaka ilaliman ng puso niya, nandoon ako. Hindi lang siya aware. Dahil after Art in Island, hindi lang doon natapos yun. 

What made me fall for him deeper was that I invited him to a get together in QC Memorial Circle. I will never forget this day because bumabagyo nung araw na ito and that morning, he does not feel like going. Pero pinilit ko siya hanggang sa nag chat siya na papunta na siya at sunduin ko siya sa LRT station sa may Gil Puyat. Pagdating namin ng QCMC, I did not expect na baha sa part na yun. I feel bad for him for causing him a big trouble. He could be resting and safe in his own home pero hindi. I put him in this situation. I was in a very cute outfit that time and I even bought a new pair of boots specifically for that day and the weather ruined it. 

Then I didn't expect what he did. He offered me a piggy back ride para hindi mabasa yung paa ko and siya na lang ang lulusong sa baha. To think he is wearing a whitish pants. So, sino hindi mafa fall sa ganon? Like nobody has ever done that to me. Not even my exes. He carried my bag for me even I did not asked him to. It's the small things he'd done why I fell for him. My feelings worsen nung inaya niya ako to go to Fantasy World with him. Because that's where I met his entire family. 

Hindi pa kami but I already had the privilege to meet his family and sleep in his room. Hindi kami nagtabi, he's being a gentleman by sleeping in the living room. Pinagyayabang niya pa sa akin noon na ako pa lang ang nakatulog sa kwarto niya. Like imagine kung gaano ako kinikilig that time. Feel ko, sobrang ganda ko. Feel ko type niya rin ko. Pero feeling ko lang pala lahat because after all that, gusto niya pala yung bestfriend ko. Imagine how heartbroken I was that time. 



How can I make a good face in front of him while my heart is being crushed because of the fact na hindi niya pala ako gusto. Na yung bestfriend ko yung nagustuhan niya. Bestfriend na never niya pang nameet in person, nakakausap ng maayos, never niya pang nakabonding. Habang ako, I fell in love with him because he was himself when he was talking to me. I love listening to him when he felt like singing. I love listening to his stories even if they are nonsense. I just love him as a person. My person. But the sad reality is, he will never see me as someone like a lover, a partner, or anything beyond friends. 

And I ruined everything by confessing to him about my feelings. Alam ko naman na hindi niya marereciprocate yon. But still I made my shot. And now we're not talking anymore. Because I made my choice, I chose to leave him. I chose myself. Kahit kailangan niya ako that time, I still made that choice. I feel like it will unfair kung ako yung laging nandyan para sa kanya pero sino yung nandyan para sa akin? I always being the understanding one, but I was never being understood. I loved him but I think this was for the best. 



Dear J, 

How are you? It's been what? I lost count of the years that we stopped being friends. I want you to know that you will always have that special spot in my heart. I will never forget the times that we spent together. Those moments, I will treasure them forever. Thank you for the short time, you made me happy. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for choosing to fight for me even when I pushed you away. I really appreciate those times. And I'm sorry for saying those words I didn't mean when I was angry and hurt. I'm sorry for also disappointing you and hurting you. I miss you so much. If I could turn back time, I would still choose to meet you. 

Until we meet again.

Love, 

Me