The Complete Misadventures of Roo Raganoff

a tale told in parts of Two

sometimes retold as "A Pub, a Toast, a Folly"

Dragons are very interesting creatures. You'd know this, of course, if you ever had the perspicacity to read the famed novel by Onyeka Guðríður titled The Anatomy  and Mannerisms of the Magnadraconus Taeniopterus. It's extensive and technical to a fault, really. 

Hm, what's that? Have I ever read it?

Of course not, what do you take me for - a literate pirate? And here I was, thinking the Wayward Reader had even the slightest bit of common sense...

Anyways, dragons are found in the strangest of places. Between the smallest nooks and crannies, you just might find one, no bigger than your littlest finger, snoozing little flames out of its nose. 

The troubling thing is, dragons grow faster than schoozabables in the springtime. One day, they're but a wee hatchling, and the next day - what do you know, you've got an overgrown lizard on your hands that belches fire everywhere. (What's a schoozabable? Oh, I reckon it's akin to those bambloo shoots that are said to grow more than 35 wibits a day in the far away land of Ayzhuh.) 

But they're very gentle creatures, and usually not too adverse to human company. Now and then, they have been known to "accidentally" burn down a village or two, maybe endangering a couple damsels in distress here and there. However, after so long of being domesticated, dragons have taken to being able to control their forms to whatever size they so wish. Most often, you will see a dragon no longer than the average bough of an apple blossom tree, and no thinner than the arm of a scarab beetle. They're mostly inclined to shiny things, warm fires, and nice, bubbly ale concoctions. 

At least, Glendyr is, for the latter part. It had been only a few hours after first escapade together, which involved lots of angry merchants and one snazzy marketplace torn asunder by yours truly (and present co.), we had headed over to the local pub to grab some nice Somethings. 

Of course, we knew that the angry merchants wouldn't dare follow us to this part of the city, because they don't like muddying their fancy silks. Heck, they wouldn't even like the pub, even though it's got the best Somethings 'round these parts. So what if the pub smelled strangely like dishwater, or that some of the regular customers had bounties on their heads that would make any pirate drool?

Glendyr and I didn't mind. 

So there we were, walking into the pub, Glendyr curled around my neck like a long, droopy noodle, and we both had our pockets stuffed with gold. We were regulars at the pub, albeit of the more odd variety, and others held a certain respect for us. 

Glendyr always says there's a difference between respect and being uneasy of a pirate who handled her knives too loosely after a few pints of Something. Ah, Glendyr, ever the humorist. 

In any case, the day was at its dusk, and we were tired and happy-drunk and more than willing to while away our hours at the pub. Añuli Chima, the bartender, jovially waved at us as we entered. 

"Ah, if it isn't the two tizzies! How's my favorite New World creature doing?" 

"We're fabulous, Añuli," I said, grinning at the nymph. Piercings adorned her lobes and brows, only serving to make her look fierce as she flashed her sharp teeth at me. 

"How's the darling?" she said, concern tinting her voice as she jerked her head at the sleeping Glendyr. 

"The mayfly's fine, just tired," I supplied, pouring a hefty load of newly-shined gold coins on the countertop.

Añuli's irisless eyes immediately shifted to the gold coins on the table, and she picked one up, rubbing it between webbed, pale blue fingers. "Where'd you get these beauties from?"

"Stole 'em," I said with a shrug, sensing rather than feeling Glendyr's growing consciousness as he began to wake. 

Añuli laughed, crystalline and bitter as she swept them all into the crook of her arm smoothly. "Oh, Roo - always full of surprises, aren't you?" she crooned.

"Not really," I snorted, looking at the nymph with a raised eyebrow as she winked knowingly and disappeared below the counter.

"I don't trust her," Glendyr mumbled, yawning as his tail flicked upwards to cover his mouth. 

"At least she's not a siren," I offered, looking downwards to see Glendyr's startling viridescent eyes blinking owlishly at me. 

"Even if she were, you'd be here offering her our money anyhow," Glendyr huffed before settling his nose back into where he had looped himself around my neck.

I laughed softly at his childishness, planning to tease him about it later.

"Here you are," said Añuli, reappearing above the counter-top with one extremely tall glass filled with viscous, sweet cream and a tiny shot class of her infamous ale concoction. 

"The usual," she said with a sly look. Something about her expression told me that she had heard every single word we had exchanged, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Thank you," I said, tipping the drink back to let its sugary wonder work magic. "I don't know what you put in your Somethings,Añuli, but they tastes great."

"Let's just say you don't want to know,"Añuli said with upturned lips.

I shrugged my shoulders once, then twice to rouse Glendyr to let him know his beloved ale was ready, but when I glanced down I saw that he already had his maw completely immersed in the bubbly yellow drink.

Suddenly, there was an extremely loud knock at the pub door, and I turned to look as it burst open immediately beneath the weight of one, meaty hand...connected to one, hunky shoulder...connected to the very face of the pretentious nobleman we'd cheated earlier.

"Uh oh," I said, poking Glendyr in where his ribs would be. 

"You two!" he said, his face flushed an angry red as he pointed an accusing finger at Glendyr and I.

"Hey, don't you know it's rude to point?" I said, cocking my head at the man with narrowed eyes, who growled in anger. 

"I've had enough of you and your smart-mouthing! You will give me back what you stole, woman!"

I heard Glendyr's pained sigh of annoyance, and he curled around my arm. "Fight or flight?" I whispered to him, my hand flitting down my leg where my knife was holstered.

"Flight," Glendyr said, in a tone that meant obviously flight, why would you even consider fight? And then, when I didn't budge and the man began to storm over to us angrily (he moved surprisingly quickly, I'll have you know), Glendyr began to say louder, "Flight, flight! Go, Roo!"

And that's when I bolted out the door, laughing like a crazed pirate all the while. 

It was only then that I realized I had barely touched the Something I had paid generously for, and when I wept to Glendyr of it later, he merely scoffed and ignored me.

It was a true tragedy, really.

*A wibit is just a wee, little bit of length, roughly around the size of a single centimeter.