Wandering Mind

Unrequited

[A short story about a sapphic lover, in honor of LGBT history month.]

Each time. Each and every time I thought I was over her she crept so slyly back into my life and stole my heart all over again. That charming creature, she who made the sunshine with her gentle touch. The only joy left in my blackened, listless life. Her nimble fingers tugged at my heart as if she were playing the music she so loved. The music that allowed her to ascend beyond this sinful world that clawed at her skin, trying to drag her down into the dreary normality that she was not born for. Each time, she walked back into my life to strum the chords of my heart, all without knowing the exact affect her open arms, playful words, tousled hair and blushing cheeks had on my fragmented heart.

My heart that beat simply to sustain now hammered, racing to find her. Forever longing to bask in her affection. Her sweet innocence and confiding nature. While her audacious remarks and quick wit, that always caught my stuttering heart by surprise, would send my head into a whirl. As if she knew that she would be the only one to ground me in this world and that I, I would do anything to lift her from this hell. So far into the heavens that she could bask in the sun, just as I basked in her shadow. A broken beast of burden condemned by this goddess to carry the heavens upon my shoulder as the mighty Atlas once did.

Oh, what a master trickster was she! She would have to but say the word and I would battle the stars and all their guardians, to steal away the moon and present it to her on a golden plater. All so that I may watch as she glows, as radiant in the moonlight as Artemis herself and twice as divine. To be sure, it is a cruel trick of the heart that we must forever be cursed to long for what they shall never be able to attain. Whilst I would tear my soul from every cell in my body, sever every tie that made me who I am, for the sake of her happiness, it could never be.
For she desired another.

What was left for me then but to help her win his love? So, I assisted in her quest for his heart. Even rejoiced when her hunt was successful, and his heart lay beating in her hand. But all the while I wallowed in the bittersweet sorrow of knowing that, while she certainly treasured me deeply, I would never be the one to hold her. To help her. To wipe away her tears and mend her fractured heart. To laugh, to live, to love! It was like acid on my flesh. My eyes burned as I gripped the stake that held me to my pyre. The pyre that I lit with her love. But although I despaired, I was content. I knew she did not need a lover, but a friend. To side with her even when she was wrong. To watch over for her from the shadows, attempting to light the sky that shined each day of her life. I would have set myself on fire just to warm her. A beastly guardian for an angel. For my darling.

But then he broke her heart. And in turn, shattered my heart as well, as I watched the life bleed from her. I watch her broken and distraught, trying my utmost to erase all traces of his presence. To hold the shattered pieces of her heart together. To brighten her days as she once lit up my whole world. But deep down in my shackled heart I knew I was powerless, as it was not my place to comfort her. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't heal her. I couldn't love her either, not in the way she deserved. To her, I was only a... friend.

So, we returned to our midnight maunderings. Confiding secret smiles and trusting tears to the one we hoped would never falter. Those fleeting moments in the darkness of our sheets were mine to hold dear. And it was enough. It would have been enough for me if only she was happy once more. But she wasn't. And that is why my heart trembled and my eyes darkened. Why my head spun, and stomach knotted. I gained a little gray hair for every scared she shared, because I was powerless to help my darling.

My darling whose fair features once held an angelic innocence, in stark contrast to her wild tongue and mischievous smile. A smile that slowly melted into a pale imitation of its former beauty. A tongue that had been dulled by his. Tainted, as his poisonous words infected her conscience. Striped her down and turned her into a porcelain doll. Orderly, perfect and fragile. Broken. No longer the wonderous nymph who first ensnared me, and too far from my reach, I watched helplessly as she hurtled farther into the abyss. All because of him.

Yet still we lay there for years or for hours, so still and at peace. For so long that we became the flowers that scattered the earth. And in those moments, I had never known such peace like the damp grass that yielded to me. As our heartbeats became slow, I knew that home was in her arms. And though never far from my tongue were the lists of reasons why staying here with me, in those peaceful waking dreams was where she belonged. But I accepted long ago that you could not change an angel without breaking her. So, as we lay there intertwined, I set free my love in a tear that fell softly to settle in the ground.

~JJ