Lust ➳k.th

XXXII

❝I'm well acquainted with villains
that live in my head.❞

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

•••

THERE'S LIFE IN OUR SUFFERING, THERE'S BEAUTY IN our endurance, and there's pain in our sorrows. Life is supposed to be something that's worth living, feeling good about a lot of things. It's supposed to be warm, like childhood home and full of belonging. But, when did life turn so cruel? So, exhausting, so draining and above all so miserable. Feeling like there's nothing that is in our control. Did we grow up?  Or life just decided, it's not supposed to be this colourful?

You see life has never been fair to me. I wanted to do good, be a kind person, someone who never hurts someone, except I did. I did hurt someone. I ruined someone's happily ever after. Just for the sake of feeling loved, feeling wanted?

      I honestly want to know, is love really enough? If then why do I still feel so empty so lost? I wanted special.

He was special.

I was lucky to have a taste of him; but just a taste, not him.

My heart has not stopped racing abnormally ever since I stepped into this house it's pulsating, it's aching. I feel as if, I'm suffering a loss. I don't even remember the last time I ever felt so lost.

         It's after dinner, we're all sitting together. Discussing about the impending wedding. It's clear from the way of our conversation, that no one was aware of us not yet, at least not yet, it means she's not going to say anything. Mia will stay quiet. Who was I fooling? She loves him. She will always love him. Kim Taehyung was her world, a world where I should've never existed.

       And maybe he does too. Even though the thought of him loving her scares me, it makes me feel vicious, bitter. I don't why, why do I feel miserable when I think about just being a fragment in Taehyung's life, a phase. A toy, whom he played with cause he got bored?

I hate feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. He is not mine. He will never be mine.

        “Taehyung, when are you going take leave from your job, you do know Mia has already taken the whole month off?” It was Mia's mother who asked this question, pulling me back from my deep thinking, I gulped, gripping my fingers together. He hasn't spoken yet.

I wonder why was it taking him so long? I wanted to look up, but all I did this whole night I kept away, refrained from even glancing at him. Suffering, and making him suffer more. I could tell it was eating him alive, knowing that we were in the same room, breathing the same air yet, still be so far away. More away then we've ever been.

“Yes. The wedding, I wanted to work a few more days but if Mia insists I'll take the few days off—” before Taehyung even finishes his sentence he was interrupted bizarrely by Mia's sly snicker, I could feel it then. The tension.

“Darling, it's alright you really don't have to ask me anything, just choose a month free of work after the wedding. After all it's our wedding and, I really want it to be special.”