It's easy to go out and make friends, it is difficult to retain them, and I feel no shame in telling that I failed to do the latter. Who can I blame? Is it my demand of unwavering loyalty? Is my overbearing personality? Or is it their inability to digest my personality, or simply, their inability to love who I am?
Why am I writing this? Is it just the attention I seek that I know I want sometimes? Or is it that I have found no other way to say this. I read an article that many writers have written these kind of letter to say good bye in actual that they never got to say in their real lives.
I have had friendships that I thought would last lifetimes. I have written various pieces how I remember that phone call I received from a friend to invite me at his place in the summer vacation when the other has simply put down the phone and asked that I stay at my place and that I wasn't needed. I remember the birthday parties, I remember the contributions and the fights on the indecisiveness on what to eat, the lame puns which were actually funny.
I have had some great time with everyone I was friends with, or am friends with. But it doesn't last long. I have considered myself unlucky that I didn't find treasures in friends, or maybe, I did but I didn't have the tools to make them stay. But I could never understand that how a person, even though with anger to the brim, could say things to a person he has called a friend that have the potential to hurt? How could someone say things that drive someone to crawl in their bed to cry for hours?
I don't know if people who I write this letter find this true, but I believe in defending my friends even though I have to go nuclear on the people defaming my friends. I am proud that my loyalties are not fluid. But how is it that people I was friends with never did it? How it could happen that I was bullied for half an hour and my friend just laughs and stuffs his mouth with food and said nothing? How could it happen that none of my friends found a rebuttal when someone was defaming me, when they are master in defending others? Why is that they often opt for non alignment when it comes to defend me?
But I can't forgive them challenging who I was. I can't forgive them pointing my insecurities. I can't forgive them pinning everything on me even when they knew I was right. I can't forgive them going around my back and making fun of who I was. I can't forgive them for always choosing someone else over me. I can't forgive them for leaving me when I needed them the most. I can't forgive them for not picking that phone call.
Or maybe, I can't forgive myself for not loving them enough, and also not loving myself to take their bullshit.
YOU ARE READING
Stories from A Troubled Boy
Non-Fiction..and I was different. "He is weird," said my seniors, tone redolent with mockery. And nicknames began. I have now lost count of the names. There are many, and it reached my home. My single mother was worried about who I was going to be. Though...
