My book of randomness

Time for honesty

I'm gonna play honest with you guys. I'm not as good as I say to be, not as good as I seem to be. I'm actually feeling quite bad for a few months now. I'm gonna tell you everything so now is the time to click this away if you're not interested in personal stuff.

You remained? Alright then.

As I said a few chapters ago, (farewell laura palmer) I've been cyber bullied two years ago. For some reason I blame all my "depressing" behavior on that, while to be honest it didn't affect me that much; I wouldn't even know their (Instagram) names or comments anymore. Yet I tell myself very often: "see? Nobody cares about you! Those girls 2 years ago were still right after all!" While I'm pretty sure they've never said something like that, this thought crosses my mind very often and affects me on a lot of dimensions.

I already have this thought for a year or so, but I've always kind of suppressed it. Also I had friends who, though they didn't know about any of this, always knew how to make me feel well again. On bad days I often tested them, and they always succeeded. We always cycled home together, but on bad days my mind was like: "but they don't want YOU, they want to cycle together just the two of them!" So I cycled away alone, yet they always ended up racing to me to cycle with the three of us.

However, a year passed. I barely see those friends anymore (I see one on the train every once in a while but it's never that deep anymore, just some "how's school" kind of chats) and I'm in a class with nobody that understands me. They leave me alone at exact those moments I need company. As a metaphor: they just let me cycle alone while I need someone who races towards me. There were two girls in the class I chatted quite a lot with, a few weeks ago you could even find me wondering whether everyone would appreciate it if I'd invite my two old friends and them for my birthday. They just felt like friends. Two weeks ago however, when that certain thought had been in my head non-stop, (it still hasn't left) they suddenly both decided to ignore me. They wouldn't sit next to me anymore, they only chatted to eachother and didn't listen to anything I had to say, they truly "let me cycle alone". That really sucks, because that really fits into my current convincement that nobody really cares about me. Neither do my parents, I'm expected to keep my mouth shut and give up on things in order to keep my siblings happy. I'm very obviously the least favorite child. During dinner, my parents only pay attention to the stories of my youngest brother. When he got a 7 (out of 10) for his English they were super excited, while his English is quite good. When I, who's not that good in getting high grades, got a 9,8 out of 10, nobody cared.

Nobody ever listens to me,I can't be myself anywhere, but I really need someone who understands me, someone to cycle along with me. Preferably someone in real life. I need to get my life back on trace somehow.