My book of randomness

the current rollercoaster I'm in and an update on my life

Hi. It's been ages, I know right? A lot has happened in about the half year I haven't written. I received my first year transcript and am currently in my second year of Urban Planning, which is stressful but nice. I'm currently investigating a possible future for the harbours in Osnabrück and Deventer which is really interesting and fun to do.

Also I've gotten fired at my job in the craft shop last April. Currently I'm working at the Lidl supermarket a village further for almost half a year now. It's such a great ambiance, such varied work, literally 200% better than my previous job. Unless recently some stuff happened. But I'll come to that later.

TRIGGER WARNING

This half year hasn't been just fun. As you could've read about a chapter ago my grandma passed away in May, a few days before my 19th birthday, which I was really upset about since it was the first close relative that died. Also about a month or so after the summer holidays my "depression" (nothing's confirmed) came back, worse than ever. I started cutting, not as a way to feel or unfeel, but because a voice in my head told me that I had two options now I fucked up: 1) cut or 2) jump in front of a train. Well that choice was easily made and it started to get kind of addictive? I'm recovering from this now  all by myself. I still have a Stanley with me everywhere I go, but just so I can hold it tight and calm down. I've been clean for about 70 days now, but I'm aiming on the moment I won't feel the urge to use that Stanley for other purposes than where I got it for (work). It'll work out, eventually.

TRIGGER WARNING OVER

Also some weird stuff happened at work recently. Little background: I've this crush on my colleague, let's call him X. I know I've just been talking about my crush of F. on here, but that's no more. Last Friday, we had a staff dinner from work. I sat at a table with X and two other coworkers: a guy and a girl. We were just chatting, nothing serious, but at a certain moment the two others had to go. By that time there were only about 10 of us left so we just sat all together and chatted, again nothing special although one of the bosses (R) kept making remarks to me and X like "shall I put a candle between you two for the ambiance?" But he did that with every guy and girl that were sat together so nothing special at all. At a certain moment I had to go home because overprotective parents and the others, including X, stayed a bit longer.

The day after I had to work again. As soon as I walked in, R came to me like "What have you been doing to X last night? He just called he is ill and I know you've been ill the entire last week". Jokingly, I answered that was indeed suspicious and just started to work. At lunch break, I walked in on R and another colleague chatting. As soon as I came in, that colleague turned to me like: "So I heard you and X were flirting last night?" So I just responded with "uhh no I didn't do anything" and let it be. After break, R just told every single colleague of mine that I and X are dating, were flirting or whatever he has told them. Now it's actually come to the point everyone knows this gossip, knowing R he won't ever shut up about this, so now it's mine and X's turn to decide what to do. We can ignore, deny, whatever we want, but I feel like the moment is approaching I have to be honest about my feelings towards him. This scares me a lot: I've never done this before, I don't want to ruin our friendship, stuff like that. I just wish I could turn time back one week, so this rollercoaster wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be forced to tell. I probably, knowing myself, will take ages to do/not do this, but I'll keep you guys updated!