Why?

Chapter 3. Dad

Leo, who was in a black Ford, pulled up and I hurriedly stepped into the car because it was hot as hell outside. 

"Hey bro." I greeted him with a smile.

"Hey sis." he said while taking a puff from his blunt.

Leo and I live together and he's like my brother from another mother. We have always said that we have the same mother since neither of us actually had one. Leo moved in with me and my dad our junior year of high school. He was kicked out of his house when he told his dad that he's gay. But we've been on our own for five months now, living in my dad's house since he died. So Leo is the only family I have left.

"Ready for tonight?" Leo asked.

"No. I really don't want to do anything but sleep." I said.

"Jordan, I'm not going to let you stay in bed and be depressed when you just started to get back into you're old habits." He snapped at me. "And what happened yesterday?"

"What do you mean what happened yesterday?" I asked curiously.

"Don't play games with me, I didn't see you come out of your room all day yesterday. At first I thought, this bitch must be masturbating but then you didn't even come out for dinner. I know something is wrong when you don't eat so what the fuck happened?" He asked while almost hitting something.

"Dude! Watch out. We can not afford to wreck this car." I yelled at him. "Kendra called me yesterday and we had a long conversation about Alex and today I found out that Alex wants to-" he cut me off.

"Don't do that to yourself Jordan. I don't care what she wants. She treated you like shit and you're ready to go through that again? You shouldn't be thinking about her, like just let it go. Stop wasting my time talking about that bitch." 

I gave up on arguing with him because he always win. 

"Okay but please lets get home safely." I said as a joke to lift the mood.

"I don't know why you're so worried, if you would just open up that envelop your dad left you then maybe you'll find money." Leo said.

My dad was a drag queen and he always did competitions. Leo believes that he saved his money and stashed it for me. He keeps trying to get me to open up the letter because he think it'll lead to money. I tried to open it but every time I pick it up, I started to shake and have a panic attack. 

"I can't open it." I said as I starred out the window.

"Yes you can. Jordan it's been five months. Don't you want to know what your dad last words were?" He asked sincerely.

"Of course I do, but you know what happens every time I try." I said

"Why are you making excuses? The only reason why you can't open it is because once you do, reality will finally hit you. Wake the fuck up. He's dead and you can't do anything about it but accept it." He yelled at me.

We finally arrived at the house. I quickly got out the car and unlocked the door. Tears were already falling down my face and I could hear Leo behind me telling me to stop being dramatic. I didn't care about what he was saying, I just wanted to lay down in my bed. 

I walked into my room and locked the door behind me. I laid down and went through old pictures and videos of my dad. Leo was right. I've never dealt with my grief. Honestly this is the first time my tears have been for my dad. For the longest I've been angry with him. How dare he leave me here? The day he died was the worst day of my life and to put the cherry on top that was the same day I lost Alex. 

I had just came from seeing Alex and I was crying because I caught her cheating. My heart was ripped from me. I walked into the house looking for my dad so I could hug him because he gives the best hugs. I wanted him to comfort me. I couldn't find him anywhere and I tried calling but his phone would go straight to voicemail. His drag clothes were still at home so I know he didn't have a show. A couple days passed by and I still haven't heard anything from him. I began to get worried the first night. Leo and I went to every club in town looking for him.

Four days later, I received a phone call from my dads best friend, Shay. I quickly answered because I figured that he might be over her house but I didn't understand why. 

"Hello?"  a voice said.

"Where's my dad?"  I asked.

"Well, um... I didn't want to be the-"  I cut her off.

"TELL ME WHERE MY DAD IS RIGHT NOW!"  I screamed. 

"He's at the Baptist Hospital."

I went silent.

"Um... He's at the morgue and they want you to come down there and make arrangements for his body. I'm sorry for your-"

I cut her off again. "How long has he been there?"  I said with no emotion.

"I brought him to the hospital  four days ago because he called me and told me to. He said it wasn't anything serious and not to call you. Chris didn't want to worry you. I know this must be hard to hear but his cancer came back and he went into surgery. The doctor told us that the surgery would be a sure success." She went on to explain.

I felt my hands forming a fist. "Since he cares so much about you to inform you about going under a knife, since he trust you so much to help him seek medical attention, since you're the last  person he talked to, why don't you make arrangements for his body."  I hung up in her face.

A week later Leo and I went to the funeral. I couldn't stay because Shay kept trying to talk to me. I was so angry that I could've killed her. Leo sensed that I was angry so we walked out of the church during the service and haven't looked back. Ever since then I've been empty with zero emotions. I cut off a lot of people because everyone suddenly became irritating. Leo and I became the life of every party. Tonight we're supposed to get fucked up because it's dad's birthday but I don't think I can. All these emotions are finally starting to hit me. My heart and head hurts so bad. I can hear Leo playing loud music and it's not helping my headache. Dad's letter is sitting on top of my desk. I climbed out of bed and walked towards it. Taking a deep breathe I opened it. I didn't realize it then but that moment changed my whole entire life.