I'm Not What You Think I Am

You are my sunshine...

I sat beside my lover. Watching his breathing. I was counting the seconds between each one of them. How. How could the world be so cruel? It made me a serial killer, made me fall in love and have a baby. Now I'm gonna lose my whole world. I look over to my father and mother in law. I look over at my son who want's to go by his daddy. I take Daniel and I hold him. My husband looks over at us as he pulls out notes.

"I wasn't sure if you'd all be here by the time I..."He didn't finish as he held his notes. Rick was blaming the people I worked for. The Saviors. I was blaming myself. I wasn't there to stop the bite. I wasn't there to protect him. I was off killing useless people by command. Having him raise our child by himself with Enid. I looked at my son who reached for his father. I looked at Carl and he slowly nodded lifting his weak arms to hold his son. Danial hugged his father and wondered why he was so pale under the light of the moon. Carl explained how everything happened. I only smiled. 

"You did what you had to do. You saved a life.."I said as I looked at him. He couldn't help but smile at me. 

"I did. I'm so sorry Belle, I wish things were different."He said to me with a heartbreaking voice. 

"Shh, Save your strength," I said as I moved hair from his face. I could feel his cold skin leaning into my hand wanting to be touched. I move in and I rest my forehead against his. I had to take his son away from him once Carl wanted to lay down. I sat there and watched as Rick and Michonne moved my soon to be dead husband to a cot. I didn't want to be a window...I had to keep Carl alive. Even if it meant he would be a walker. He needed to stay. Not for me. But for Dan. I looked down at my son as he fell asleep. I held him close and I hummed a lullaby. Then a loud bomb fell and Rick covered his son while I covered Dan. Michonne looked at me with devil eyes. Before she went to my uncle. I overheard what she wanted. I sighed and I looked over at my husband. I sat down beside him. 

"Rick, I want to put Carl down when he's had his last breath...It would be too hard for you to do it...I should do it."I said my voice creaking as I wanted to sob. Rick shook his head but Carl spoke. 

"I want her to do it, dad.."He said as he looked at me. I nodded and I let my tears fall. Rick took Dan as I then hugged my Carl. 

"Please don't leave me,"I said softly in his ear. I can't bare a life without him. Ever since the first time I saw him back when he was just a boy doing school work and I almost got shot, I've wanted to be with him. Now he's leaving me behind. 

"I'm sorry, It wasn't supposed to be this way..."Carl said having Michoone move one of his arms so he held me in at least one of them. 

"I love you, I love you so much,"I whispered as I then pulled away and looked down at him allowing him to rest. 

"I know, I love you too."He said. I finally gave into desire and I kissed his cold purple lips. I didn't care if he turned me. I didn't care if he killed me. All I care about are these last moments. I made sure it was a short kiss so he could keep breathing. I pulled away and I looked down at him. 

"That's the best kiss I've had since our first one."He said with a smile. 

"Your such an ass,"I said smiling through the tears holding his hand.  Then I was pulled away from Carl and given my son. Everyone was leaving but Rick, Michonne, and I. We were to stay with Carl. I let Carl say goodbye to Judith before he had to say goodbye to his son. Dan was mad that his father woke him up from a nap. 

"Hey Dan, I wanted to say that, You need to look out for mommy for me. I won't be around anymore...Make sure you keep her on her toes as well as listen to her...You're the man in her life now. "Carl said looking down at Dan who was at his feet. Carl reached over and he grabbed his hat.