There's So Much Pain You Know

Chapter 2 I want to die!

Violet’s POV

I wake up in the tub, with cold water running over my body. I turn off the water and look at me. My arms are pale to the red angry cuts that have been placed there. Same with my thighs. I got out and wrap myself in a big warm towel. I dry myself off and get into my old outfit. I threw on a pair of sweats and a black hoddie. I brush my hair and rinse off my tear strung face. I turned off the music that was playing on my phone and walked back into my room. I lay on my bed and was looking through my pictures. They were all of him. Lots were of us together, smiling, and in love. I still love him, and I always will I guess. I set one of us on the beach on Halloween as my wallpaper, and I cry myself asleep again. That is all that I do during the days now. Cry, cut and sleep.

I feel like he is always here, in my room well our room. I mean it was his room before I moved in. I can feel his breathing on my neck. I can hear his heart beating fast when it’s quiet. I can feel his arms wrapped around my waist when he would sleep with me. I can hear his broken cries of my name when I died. All the memories haunt my dreams. It’s been months since I had a good night sleep. It’s been years since I smiled. I can’t function without him. I’m like a broken record on a loop.  I can’t deal with the heartache that it always there. Or the knives piercing my stomach when I think of even his name. I am broken.

I sat in my bed looking at a bird book I didn’t bother to return when I went to school. I look at the timestamp, and the last person that checked out the book before me. How he wrote his name in 1993 before he went all crazy and shot up 15 kids. I heard a knock on my door. I closed the book and wiped away a stray tear that fell down my face.

“Come in.” I said weakly. I heard the door knob turn and a person come in. It was my mom.

“Hi baby. It feels like I haven’t seen you in years.” She said all excited.

“Well I like being on my own to do whatever the fuck I want.” I told her. Her face was covered in shock for using “Fuck”.

“Well I see that you have changed.” She said all stuck up.

“Well I told my boyfriend to leave because he raped you and killed innocent kids, so I have been in a living hell without him so I can and will use whatever language I want to use around you or dad, or dad’s slut or anyone else. Because it’s MY LIFE!” I yelled at her. She backed away and walked out. I hit my head on a pillow and then brought another one to my face. I screamed as loud as I could and then strangled myself with it. I passed out before you could count to 20.

I feel like all of the pain and guilt and all of the other emotions were sucked out of my body. I feel nothing and it feels great. I don’t feel depressed that I don’t have Tate in my life or anger to my parents for being shitty parents. Or even the pain of my cuts that are burning at the moment. I can hear the screams of my mother and the cries of someone that I don’t know. I open my eyes but I look at my body. Pale and lifeless. I look around and see my mom and dad, and in the corner all curled up, Tate. In the green striped sweater that he wore when I first met him and a pair of dark blue jeans. His hair is all oily and matted to his forehead. His head pops up and his eyes are bloodshot. The thing that surprises me is that he has dark bags around them and they are almost black instead of the dark warming brown they normally are. My parents look like they don’t even know he’s here. They probably can’t see him. All I want to do is cuddle with him, and tell him everything will be alright even though it won’t be.

“Tate.” I whispered. He starts shacking and gripping his arms tighter. His sleeve goes up a little and I see the bloody red marks all up his arms. I then walk over to him and pick him up. He weights nothing to me and I take him to the bathroom. I start the bath and take off his sweater. He is dead asleep and I look at his arms. Bloody lines are all I see on both arms. I then take off his jeans and see white lines all over his legs. I pick him up and put him in the water. He flinches at it then goes right back to being asleep. He looks so peaceful and cute when he sleeps. I take off all of my clothes and sit with him in my lap. I know that your all thinking that I’m fully naked but I have a bra and panties on. He cuddles up into my body. I stoke his golden hair. I get some water and wash his hair. I rinse his hair with a cup and then drain the shower. I get a towel and dry him off. He wakes up when I dry his arms. I heard him yell in pain. I then disappear. He looks around and see’s my shirt. Shit I forgot to get my clothes on. I then walk out to my room and see my parents are gone. I get another outfit and get changed. I look to see my body is gone. Weird I must have died then came back a spirit again. I get changed and the walked back to the bathroom. I see Tate lying on the floor with pills all around him and my shirt scrunched up in his hands. I then dart to him. I placed him on top of me again in the shower, and started it up again. I kiss his forehead and did what he did to me when I tried committing suicide. I placed 2 fingers in his mouth and made him throw the pills back up. A thing that was different with him was that he didn’t throw them up. He just stayed there dead, in my arms. I started sobbing yelling his name. My dad I guess heard it and came in. He looked at me and then ran out of the room. After a while I heard running and my mother was right behind him. They took his body away from me and then turned off the shower. My mom took me and was holding me in her lap. I was crying into her arm and I couldn’t stop. My dad was making Tate throw the pills back up but nothing happen. He didn’t come back to life. He truly did die that night. Also I felt the pain of him dying harder than the pain I felt when I killed myself.