Hey

Crazy

The past week has been so crazy J you don't even know.

I am turning into someone I dont want to be.

If you see me now, you probably wont even recognize me.

Physically I have gained a lot of weight

Emotionally I am so lost, confused and I literally have no idea what Im doing with my life

But I hope that when you see me, we'd still be friends.

Anyways, I saw a movie called The Fault in Our Stars by John green, my favorite author.

I dont think I mentioned John Green to you at all but his books are basically all I read throughout highschool.

Id check out his books from the library over and over-- Im sure if there was a check out history, it would consist of books by John Green only.

I saw it at premiere night. Its definitely the highlight of my summer J. That Thursday, June 5.

Not only did I get to watch one of my fav author's book turn into a movie, I also got my driver's license. My fucking driver's license J. that same day.

Yes like fucking 2 years later... I finally got it.

I was so happy. l finally got the feeling-- relief. yes thats what it was.

I felt so relieved. Somehow in my head I thought: EF YEAH NOW IM NORMAL

I just felt like the whole world and their mothers have their license that Ive been missing out on something

I think this license and a soon to be future car will decrease the suckiness going on in my life--suckiness..shhhh its not even a word I know.

But yeah fucking best day ever. Oh I wish I could've shared that feeling with you that day.

So yeah I guess Im a badass now, watch out. hah jk. Two days after that said best day ever, I did something so shameful that it is officially going to the "Major things I fucked up on" list. So far the list consist of:

1. Not reciprocating any feelings towards you

2. Dropping a class (first time ever in my life)

3. Failing my Driver's Test 3 times

4. Eating special brownies that fucked me up BAD. (Okay there is a backstory)

Oh and Im sure I fucked up on more things than that but this list is something I just really thought of like NOW so I was only able to list the ones I remember and will always remember so far.

SO about fuck up #4..

I went camping with a few of my close friends-- one of them is your ex by the way.. which just so you know, she is so happy now with her boyfriend that everyone didn't really like. Eh the guy was okay. He just gives off the impression of a know-it-all prick but Im sure he means no harm to her at all. He's a good guy.

Anyways, not even an hour before we got to the campsite, I was already high.. along with half of the people who ate the brownies with me.

The only thing I really remember doing sober is setting up the tents and eating the damn thing.

Other than that, I was messed up before we could even actually camp.

It was so messed up J. I was so disappointed of myself. SHE was disappointed I know... but she took care of me. Like she always does.

From reading all of this I know it doesn't even sound like theres any big deal out of it but it is a big deal to me.

I didnt like that feeling. Not at all. I liked being high with you. Thats probably the only time I liked the feeling.

I tried getting that feeling back with other people but its just not there. I dont even like doing it. I actually wont be doing it for awhile. If not awhile, never again. Not edibles that's for sure.

We were messed up throughout the rest of the day, from when we got there and the morning after. We had to be babysat by the others who was smart enough to not take any of the brownies.

It was suppose to be a day and a half of throwing back and having fun... Actually camping.. Eating s'mores, laughing, playing games, I don't know.. maybe knowing what the heck is going on would have been cool too but then all I did was sleep through the day and feel so fucking horrible.

You know what else? While I was busy being in that state of misery and shame, I guess some lady was hit by a motorcycle and HER boyfriend was there to help the lady. He is also trying to be a nurse like me and that could have been a good experience for me J. It would've been a good experience to help that lady and perform basic maneuvers like cpr or any aide needed. Just anything would have been helpful, just being there and knowing what was going on would have made a good experience and a good feeling of helping someone in need but no.

While all of that was going on, I was most likely inside the tent, feeling clueless, sleepy and fucked up.

See how ridiculous and disappointing that sounds? It was a sign honestly.

I see it as a sign for me to get my shit together and stop going to that direction to which I know will get me nowehere.

The scary thing is J, is the fact that it was so easy for me to do some stupid mistake like that and only realize it after. I guess that's just how mistakes work in general but I never thought it would hit me like this.

I didnt stop and think of what the outcome will be. I just did it.For what exactly? for nothing honestly.

I guess at that moment I felt free to do whatever the fuck I wanted that it would be cool to just eat the damn brownies.

It wasnt fun for me, it sure wasnt fun for everyone else around me.

To others in general, they find comfort and fun in doing such things. Being under the influence. but I really dont. It made me miss the way things used to be and how something sober and simple could be truly fun and it only made me realize how fucked up Ive changed.

Wow this is probably the longest entry I am going to have here.

Long story short, I messed up big time for once in my life and it's definitely a lesson learned for me.

Anyways J, besides all of this, I also just want to say that I miss you always.

and I hope that one day, I can just tell you all of these things. In front of your face. Yes.

For now all Ive got is this and someday I hope you read it.