Hey

Hey J

This morning, I didnt check facebook

This morning, I was drowning myself with endless chemistry equations

This morning, you finally messaged me back.

J, I am so relieved youre okay and that youre doing well.

Youre even going to college! and Im glad to hear you know what you want to do.

We didnt really get to chat much though and thats when something hits me.

I felt this sting in my body all of a sudden. Like that feeling you get when in your mind you want to feel content but your emotion doesnt let you otherwise.

J, I think Ive filled myself with way too much expectations.

I have so much expectations that Im scared Ive actually turned into this girl who continues to hold onto something that never existed.

J, I think today I have come to a realization that I am that girl.

I felt foolish all of a sudden for thinking that things will pick up the way it was before.

I admit, I am selfish for thinking that just because I get to write these things, these memories I have about you means that once you talk to me, all will be better.

And by that I mean that maybe I can make up for the things I didnt get to do.

I am selfish for thinking I can just do that. That I can just force myself back into your life thinking you still feel the same.

This morning I had the expectation that maybe we will start being the way we used to be, whatever that was.

Its selfish for me to say this and it makes me feel pathetic but all I wanted to tell you was that I miss you and that we should hang out.

I didnt really want to chat about how we were doing because I wanted to talk about that kind of stuff in person.

All I wanted to say was that I miss you. God Im pathetic.

But you know what, as foolish as I feel now, I dont take anything back. I dont regret writing all the things I wrote here about you--

and I definitely still mean it when I say thanks for making me feel wanted before.

I also feel like I'm starting to be obsessive in a way. I am starting to sound desperate.

The thing is that I am desperate. I am desperate to feel wanted again. I seek the attention of being wanted by someone. I want to like someone and be with someone and this whole time, my mindset was set so that once you talk to me again, I will do everything to make that someone be you because youre the only person who ever showed some interest in me or atleast thats what I think. See, this is so creepy and unfair I know but Ive gotten this far, I might as well just tell you everything now. Ive already made myself seem pathetic.

J, today I am going to stop, I promise. Its time for me to let go of such memories but I am glad I was able to have this idea of writing to you. At first, I only wanted to do it because it would make a good story and it would make me remember you but then eventually, I realized that it also helps me handle my emotions.

Like I have mentioned the past few entries here, I'll always remember everything. Although I realized it too late, I am glad I eventually did. I meant everything I said here, all the things I wrote, I will willingly admit to them no matter how embarassing, cheesy or pathetic or needy or desperate they sounded. By now you are reading this. I know because I sent you the link hah.

What do you think? Am I creepy for remembering everything 0.0

Was I even right to have this realization that you actually liked me?

Or was it all just in my head?

Either way, thanks for all the memories and thanks for reading through this

I hope nothing but great things for you. youre a good guy J and I am glad Ive gotten to know you. You'll always be the one that got away for me I guess. ugh the cheesiness. kill me now.

Im sure I'll see you around--

And when I do, definitely expect that hug.

-A