Hey

Walking home used to be my favorite thing

His name started with J too. Why do I always associate myself with so many J's.

Wednesday, June 18, around 5:00 pm, a young soul, a friend of mine, my high school crush, passed away.

I found out the next morning. So fucking early in the morning, my day hasnt even started.

I found out through facebook. God damn it I know now not to get on facebook so early in the morning.

What I find so terrifying is that literally a couple days before that tragic day, I was stalking his facebook.

This is so damn creepy but you know, I was just on facebook and I was just browsing through some profiles and his was one of them.

J, youre not the only J I liked.

Hmm this is funny because you actually have seen him before.. or you might have. I dont know if you were paying attention.

One day him and I were walking home and you passed by us. You were riding your bike.

And Im not sure if you noticed but I remember this so damn well.

We were walking home, taking our usual route.

I was playing with my house keys and he grabbed it from me all of a sudden.

That led to me struggling to take it back from him and then you passed by and I saw you.

Thinking about it now, was him taking my keys, playing with me count as flirting? He was flirting with me.

I might just be crazy thinking all of this but there was something there. or at least a one sided feeling haha. That was also the last day we walked home together I think.

Because at that time, I was going to move places--which is the place where I currently live now.

That was also the day I realized that I may or may not have a crush on him. Knowing me then, I was probably in denial about it.

Damn it if only I didnt have to move, maybe we couldve had more walks together. Maybe, just maybe he would tell me he liked me and my inner feelings would have been awakened and I would know the definition of being in a relationship.

But no. I moved and after that, I would still see him around school and thats when I knew. I knew I somewhat have this feeling of wanting him to notice me and ask about me not walking home anymore. I even had a class with him and I would just take a glimpse or two of him and see if he even know I exist. He did ask one day after class if I still walk home and if I would like to join him.

Ugh right then I think all I said was no and that I moved. Stupid highschool me. I shouldve started a conversation!

Another encounter of him is when I used to take the bus and he would too except he has a different bus.

I would just stare at him while waiting for his bus and I would always hope that somehow we end up in the same bus and that he would sit next to me and in my head I would have this whole scenario of us just talking to each other, having a conversation.

But after awhile I think I kinda just gave up that "we" could happen, let alone even start a conversation again.

He probably even forgot my name after our walks ended.

But of course, Id always remember our walks and that small time that I got to be with him. (and by that I mean our little interaction) My adoration for him remained throughout my Highschool years. haha.. i was a fucking creep although it was just because I would just see him around school and I would smile because I knew that I am where he is and that there is always that small chance of bumping to each other at any minute. I would see him being with someone else and I would think, hey maybe that could be me if I just remain patience and wait. I waited for nothing of course but I liked the thought of still having that one chance because he is around.

Wow now its crazy that after all J, I dont only adore you. woops. haha jk. But honestly, that boy was really nice.

He didnt deserve being taken away from this world so soon. While I was looking through his profile days before I found out, I would think that maybe we could have another encounter again, specifically at Cuesta because he just graduated. Maybe just maybe he even ends up at cuesta and we would have a quick encounter. A small hello or a smile.

Then I found out that he's gone and wow I didnt expect to be so affected by it that I cried that morning.

It is really selfish and fucked up for me to say this but I was so frustrated by the fact that Ill never get to tell my highschool crush that I liked him. Even so I think if I still had the chance, I probably wont have the courage to say it anyways but damn the fact that he is gone from this world sucks. The fact that he no longer exist where I exist sucks.

I was happy of his presence in highschool even though he most likely wasnt even aware of mine.

I know from reading all of this, one would think that this boy was all I thought about in highschool and that I stalked him.

Thats not true. Its one of those things where it would just come across your mind once in a while. you know?

When I graduated highschool, it was time for me to leave that place but of course, the memories it provided remains with me. and that includes that tiny fragments of memories of him. that boy.

That boy who walked home with me.

The boy who I thought about talking to every once in awhile in highschool.. but never did so I kept on waiting.

I still had the idea in my mind after I graduated that as along as he remains where I remain, I would see him again one of these days. I would still see him around and that maybe my pointless waiting from highschool would be worth it. Maybe we could walk again somewhere and have a conversation.

But now my waiting is truly over because there is no more waiting that needs to be done in my end. well atleast here, in this world Im still a part of. He's no longer around where Im around. He is gone and forever he will remain my highschool crush.

Hey walking buddy, wherever you were heading that day, I hope you got there now. Rest easy my friend. Thank you for walking home with me.

And for as for you J, my J, your ass better still be around. I wouldn't know what I would do if I get on Facebook one day and.. No. Such thoughts don't need to be lingering around my head. Shit happens I know... Unfortunate things happen to all of us. Death is inevitable and.. I.. I don't fear death alone because I'd just be dead and i wouldn't have any feelings..any thoughts. But while I'm here, living, breathing, I fear of what the outcome of my death would do to people I care for. That thought is what I fear the most.