If You Read This...

But Then He Left

Dear Mom,

If you read this... I'm falling hard, and I don't know what to do. But it's not the scary kind of falling. I'm not afraid that I'll hit the ground, because I'm falling right into my best friend's arms. And I'm okay with that. I think I should tell him today. But what if he doesn't feel the same? What if he just wants to be my friend? I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The two of us and a thousand dogs in a small apartment in a huge city. He'll write his songs, I'll write my poems. That's what I want. I guess we can have that as just friends, right? No. He deserves to know. I should tell him. I will tell him. But how? How'd you tell Dad you loved him? Don't answer that. You didn't really love him, did you? You didn't really love me, did you? Rory's not like you, though. He does love me. I'll prove it to you. I'm telling him today. 

            Thanks for talking with me, Theo.

            I knew I had to tell him today, I just didn't know how. I could write one of those "find the hidden meaning" poems. Or, I could buy him a dog, teach the dog to talk, then force the dog to tell him. That seemed easier than writing a poem. I didn't understand what was so hard about this, I write poems all the time. The words always come so easily, I just write what I feel. But this time was different. It had to be perfect.

            I opened my notebook and started chewing on the top of my pen. What could I write? What could I say, to tell him that I love him? The silence was killing me, so I called him and asked to meet at the store. He said he was busy, and I stupidly told him it was urgent. Urgent?! What's wrong with me? He's going to think something's seriously wrong! I couldn't think of anything urgent, so I just went in hopes of winging it. That was probably a bad idea.

            "I can't stay long," he said, as soon as he saw me.

            "Why are your hands purple?" I looked down at his bright purple hands.

            "My brother's in town," he replied.

            "Oh. Wait what?" I turned around, hearing someone laughing from behind me. It was coming from an older lady, grabbing something from off the shelf.

            Her eyes met mine. "I'm sorry," she snickered, "today's been rough, but you guys just made my day." I smiled and glanced at Rory, now smiling too.

            "You never know with my family. Have a good day, Ma'am," he grinned.

            "You too, boys." The lady walked away.

            "So?" Rory asked, once he was sure no one was within ear's distance. My mind went completely blank. I had no idea what to say.

            "I- I um," I stuttered.

            "Theo?" He stepped closer, staring me down. But not in a threatening way, it was almost calming. He was reading me like an open book, and I never wanted to be closed. I could feel his breath against my neck, and it made my heat pound. I wanted to do nothing more than wrap my arms around him and squeeze him tightly, but I couldn't. I told him what I had to say was urgent. I should've told him right then and gotten it over with.

            "I just wanted to see you," I muttered, looking down at my feet. He raised one eye brow and crossed his arms.

            "You're scaring me."

            "I know. Jesus, I'm sorry. Get back to Isaac."

            "Theo- "

            "It's okay. I'll catch up with you later." Without thinking, I ran back to my car. What did I just do? I sat in my car for about five minutes just wondering what was wrong with me before I actually drove away. I didn't do much for the rest of the day. I played with the naked fetus rodents, read part of my comic book, and day dreamed about Rory.

            I heard a knock at my door. Figuring it was either Rory, Ivy, or Nia, I got up to answer it. To my surprise, Rory's brother stood in the doorway.

            "Isaac?" I asked. He looked as if he'd been having a rough day. His hair was knotted up, his eyes droopy. He held a folded piece of notebook paper in his trembling hands. My stomach sunk. Why wasn't Rory with him?

            "What's going on? Are you okay?" I thought my heart would pump right out of my chest. He opened his mouth, presumably to speak, but no words came out. He just let a tear fall and handed me the paper. I didn't have to open it to know what it was. My hands too began to shake, and my eyes welled up. There was a huge lump in my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't think.

            "I- I don't want this." I motioned to give the paper back, but he just shook his head.

            "Rory wanted you to have it," he covered his face with his hands.

            "Wanted?! Don't say wanted! He wants! Wants! Isaac, tell me he wants me to have it!" I practically fell on my knees begging for something he couldn't change. I didn't know what to do, or say, or think. I just sat there staring at the paper. My brain was swamped with a jumble of twisted up thoughts and emotions, I couldn't pick just one. I may as well have not felt anything.

            I transferred my eyes to Isaac, who was sobbing hysterically into his hands. Instinctively, I shoved the paper into my pocket and ran.

            "Theo!" Isaac called, chasing after me. I was faster than him, though. I knew exactly where I was going, and I was getting there. I was so focused on traveling as fast as possible, that I could hardly hear Isaac's calls.

            I almost fainted when I finally reached Rory's building. All it took was that black body bag helplessly lying on that white stretcher. My life would never be the same. The horrifying scene began to fade away, as tears took over my eyes and I fell to my knees.

When Isaac finally caught up, he bent down next to me and placed his hand on my back.

"No! He was right there! In the store! I saw him, I talked to him! He's not- "I tried to continue protesting, but I could barely breathe.

"You saw it, Theo! You saw the bag!"

"No! It's not him! It can't be!" I furiously sprung up and started to run towards the paramedics, but Isaac stopped me.

"You should go home," he sniffled. I stared at him blankly.

"Where's your dad?" I growled, ignoring him.

"What?"

"Where is your dad?" I raised my voice.

"Theo- "

"I want to talk to him!"

"You can't change it Theo! He's dead, okay? Rory is dead! Now go home!"