If You Read This...

He Changed Everything

Dear Rory,

If you read this... I'm confused.

Do you see what you did to me?

God, I was already a catastrophe

But at least you brought out some light in me

At least your face made it worth the fight

At least your eyes brought another night

Was I not good enough for you?

Not good enough to make better times true

Inside your head

Did I leave you for dead?

Was there something I could've done

To make tonight another fight won

There's nothing I can say

To bring you back another day

I know I should've been there for you

To save you from eternal doom

To save me from eternal gloom

I keep asking myself what I should've done and how

But I was too late, and everything is different now.

-Theo

I put my notebook away and just sat. I never just sit. I'm always doing something. Not always something productive, maybe just watching a show or reading a book, but always something. But I wasn't doing anything now. I was just sitting and staring. As I looked at the wall, I noticed something I'd seen many times. The cracks in my wall. They were very small, you'd miss them if you weren't looking. But today, I was looking.

I have a lot of memories in this room. Nearly every detail has a story behind it. The spot where the paint is chipped in the trim on my widow wall, is from the time I thought I was a wizard and used a tree branch as my wand. I pointed it at the blue flowers rested on my window sell, attempting to turn them green. I believed that the more enthusiastic I was, the better the spell would work, so, with all my might, I slung the stick towards the flowers and screamed, "turnith greenith!" I was a bit too enthusiastic, however, and ended up chucking the "wand" into the wall and the paint chipped.

Even bigger things, like the back-right corner have memories attached to them. I used to have a big red bean bag there, and that's where I sat when I read my favorite comic book. Of course, the bean bag broke about a year later when Rory and I where jumping on it, but that corner still reminds me of the smile that comic painted across my face as the villain I hated was finally defeated.

But I don't remember a thing about those cracks. They were here when I moved in, but not when the house was built. So, how'd they get there? Maybe some college kids lived here before me, and one night they were partying and what not, maybe things got out of hand, and something hit the wall. But it was still an amazing party. Or, there could've been a fight between a couple. One of them threw something at the other, but they moved just in time and it hit the wall. That wouldn't be fun.

I would never have any way of knowing though. All I can do is sit here and wonder.

The issue was, I couldn't stop wondering. I wondered if there where cracks in Rory's walls. Maybe from where his parents pushed him, or if he was just having fun and things got out of hand. I could live without knowing about the cracks in the wall. But I deserved to share my best friends' memories.

I deserve to be sitting a coffee shop in London with him, one that looks a lot like Desole, and we could talk about what life used to be like here in New York. And other things would trigger other memories. We would tell each other the stories of younger us that we didn't already know. That's what it could've been. That's what it should've been. But it won't be that way now. Sure, I can move to London and drink coffee in a shop that resembles Desole, but you don't share memories with your coffee cup.

Desperate to look at anything else and take my mind off the cracks, I transferred my eyes to my wrist. It still stung. I then turned to the air mattress on my floor, the blanket and pillow that Rory borrowed still laid out across it.

I shut off my lights and crawled onto the mattress, curling up with the blanket. It still smelt like him. I felt as if I was about to cry. Don't cry, brain, please don't make me cry. Rory wouldn't want me to cry.

I sprung up when I heard the rat babies screech. I must've fallen asleep. I knew I should've checked on them, but I didn't want to stand up. My door was opened just a little bit. That's odd. I could've sworn it was closed when I fell asleep.

I ignored the door and grabbed my phone to check the time. 3:19 am. I forgot that I hadn't messaged Nia or Ivy back all day. There must've been a hundred messages from the two of them in the group chat, just trying to ask if I'm okay.

I was a lot closer with Rory than they were, but I don't doubt they'll cry themselves to sleep tonight, if they haven't already. I didn't even bother to read all the messages. Most of them said things like, "please answer," or "Are you okay?" What do I even say to this? We all lost a part of us today. Do I lie and say I'm fine, denying that I'm broken inside?

I remembered what Rory had told me two years ago. He sat by me while I was sobbing because of what had just happened. I didn't know what to say then either, so I just stared at my wall.

"Talk to me, please," he begged.

"I- I- "

"Theo, you don't have to filter yourself. I'm here. I'm always right here when you need me, I promise. Just tell me exactly how you feel." Rory had never broken a promise to me. Until now. I need him right now. Even if he can't find the right words to help me, I just need to see his eyes. If I could only see the light in his galaxy eyes, everything would be okay again. But he's not here like he swore he would be. And he'll never be here when I need him again. Every tear I cry, he'll be dead. Every red line I create, he'll be dead. Every painful, sleepless night, he'll be dead. Every day I live, he'll be dead.

I grab my phone and type, "I honestly don't know what to say." That's how I feel. I turn my phone off after that. I can't stand looking at Rory's contact in the group chat.

The naked fetus rodents finally shut up, so I tried to go back to sleep. I didn't fall asleep easily. Shocking. It might help to close my door and block out the hallway light, but I really didn't want to stand up.

I gathered up all my energy and forced myself up. I stoop paralyzed when a shadow caught my eye. It seemed to be standing in front of my bathroom. It looked familiar.

Rory?