If You Read This...

The Day of The Funeral

I combed my hair back and pulled my tie tightly around my neck. I was conflicted. On the one hand, I needed to go to my best friend (who I'm secretly in love with)'s funeral, but on the other, shouldn't I be working on bringing him back?

Ivy refused to go out alone, so after one final look in the mirror, I got a cab to go pick her up. Her hair was pinned back on both sides, it was too short to pull into any type of updo. Her black dress was longer than anything I've ever seen her in, and she wore black pantyhose and gloves that stretched to her elbows.

"You look nice," I smiled as she opened the door. She crossed her arms and turned away as if I'd offended her.

"You too," she nurtured. "Are you ready for this?"

"No," I answered bluntly.

"Me neither."

I put my hand on her shoulder, intending to lead her to the cab, but immediately pulled it away at the sight of her flinching.

"You know-" Ivy started, breaking the silence we'd been sitting in for nearly fifteen minutes. "I've never met anyone with eyes like Rory's."

"Me neither. I mean, they're- they're purple!" We both chuckled a little.

"I've never met anyone with anything like Rory's," she added.

"His music, especially. No one could write a song with as much passion as he could. I still have his guitar in my-" I stopped myself.

"What?" She asked.

"He- he um- left it. In my room," I lied. She nodded.

"Theo?"

"Hm?"

"I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but you guys are some pretty damn amazing friends. I can't help but wonder if I had said that, if maybe Rory would've stayed. But I guess it's too late for that now," she chuckled a little, then began to cry.

"Hey. You don't have to thank me for what I did. I was protecting you." I knew she wasn't talking about that, but I could see it in her eyes, she was thinking about it.

The cab came to a stop in front of a small white church.

"Rory would not have wanted his funeral here," Ivy teased.

"No. He would've wanted it in some playground with dogs running around," I grinned imagining that. Only I didn't imagine it as a funeral, I imagined it as our backyard.

"And a ball pit," she added.

"Definitely."

I paid the driver and walked Ivy into the church, where Nia was waiting for us. She looked similar to Ivy, black dress, black pantyhose, black flats. She had her hair pulled back into a bun, black lipstick and tears already dancing from her eyes, painted black with makeup.

Without hesitation, Ivy wrapped her arms around her. We walked over to the main room and took a seat on the bench closest to the casket.

"We are gathered here today in the memory of Rory." The pasture went on for a few minutes before asking if anyone wanted to say a word.

"Sir," I stood up. He gestured to the casket, so I walked over.

It was opened.

I wasn't expecting that. I hadn't seen his real face since that day in the store. The day he died. It was weird, I still longed to kiss his lips. Even the ones attached to a lifeless body.

"Hello, um- I'm Theo," I could barely speak standing in front of everyone. Looking them in the eyes felt wrong. There weren't many people there, maybe nine or ten. I didn't know most of them, besides Isaac, Roy's parents, Nia and Ivy.

And Ki.

He gave me a certain look as I stood up there. Not dirty, like I've done something wrong, but also not concerned, like he actually cared that I might have hurt myself. It was a mixture of both. A sort of indescribable pissed off, fake loving glare.

"I was Rory's-" I froze. Desperate to find the right words to say, I let my eyes drift to the casket. I let them stare at Rory's jet black hair and pale skin.

"I was Rory's best friend. We did everything together, really. He'd come over all the time and play music while I wrote poems. We had times where we'd go crazy. You know, laugh too hard, drink too much, chase too many dogs. Sometimes we'd just sit in silence. We wouldn't talk or laugh, or do anything. Just sit. But that was enough for us because just the fact that the other one was there when we needed it was good enough. Or at least I thought. I thought I could sit there in silence and not say a word and he'd know I'm there. I thought that was good enough. But it wasn't. I wonder if maybe I said something, or did something, anything but sit there and wait for him to come to me, maybe he would still be here. If there's one thing I could do know, it'd be to learn from my mistake. To come to him instead of waiting for him to come to me." I felt a tear roll down my eye, as my stomach dropped.

"Thank you," The pasture said. I nodded and sat back down by Ivy and Nia.

Ivy stood up to say a few words. Before she began, I turned to Nia.

"We can't let them lower that casket!"