If You Read This...

This Kid...

I'm a coward. On my life, I saw Rory's face last night, and I ran away. I slammed my door closed and ran back to the mattress. All I want is to see him again, but when I did, I didn't run towards him and give him a hug. I ran away and hid. Like I'd done too many times before.

I'm sure that's a grief thing, seeing the faces of dead people. But this was different. It was his face, just as I'd seen in the super market yesterday morning. Only lifeless. Like a ghost.

Ivy was able to convince me to meet her and Nia at Desole a few hours later. I looked a mess when I got there. My hair was matted and flying three hundred different directions, and I had dark bags under my eyes. I didn't even change clothes or brush my teeth before I left, I just threw on my glasses and a pair of sneakers and headed out. Nia and Ivy have looked terrible too.

"Theo!" Nia jumped from her seat and ran up to me when I walked through the café door. It reminded me of when Ivy came back from vacation. Only, Rory was there then. We were all smiling then.

She pulled me into a tight hug. I stayed silent as she walked me back to our table. It felt weird sitting here without Rory in the seat next to me. I don't think I've ever been here before without him.

"How you holding up?" Nia asked.

I shrugged, "fine."

"Look at yourself and guess again," Ivy commented. I didn't respond so she continued. "None of us are fine here, kid. Look at us. It doesn't hurt to admit it."

"It just- it just kinda sucks, you know? Like, really sucks," my voice began to break. Don't start crying.

Nia almost chuckled, "yeah." Tears started to pour down her face. I looked away.

"Do you want coffee, Theo?" Nia asked me. I shook my head. I didn't need coffee. I needed sleep, but god knows that wasn't happening.

"Did you guys get a note?" Ivy asked. Nia nodded.

The note.

I didn't want to think about that. I couldn't bring myself to read it yesterday. It was sitting right on the cover of my notebook, at home.

"Theo?"

"I didn't read mine."

Ivy sighed, "you should."

"Yeah, I know." I knew that. I should've read it last night. But I also should've been there to stop my best friend from killing himself.

"Theo, please eat something, you look like you're about to collapse," Nia pointed out. Hypocrite.

"Just, nothing too expensive, okay?" I looked at the floor. She squeezed my arm, then stood up to go order.

"You get any sleep last night?" I asked Ivy.

"Little. You?"

"No."

She nodded, "you know, I knew Rory was going through stuff. We all knew his parents where grade A assholes, but I had no idea. I had no idea, Theo."

"I wish he would've said something. I wish he would've called. I would've answered," I explained. She sighed.

Nia handed me an apple cider and a muffin, getting nothing for herself.

"Thanks." She nodded.

"God, this whole thing makes me want to throw up," Ivy exclaimed.

"That makes two of us," Nia added.