Uncured

What it feels like

What it feels like

The pain feels like an out of body experience, it's like you just can't breathe because the life is getting knocked out of you, and you're only able to watch it happen, you can't do anything to make it stop. It honestly feels like you're being torn apart, to the point where death is the best option there is.

I would describe my pain as knives being plunged into my body, and those knives dragging down my body like some type of medieval torture. I probably should be used to this pain by now, but this is something that you can never just " be comfortable " with, it's just this silent torture. It doesn't leave a trace of evidence, only the one feeling it will know what it feels like. Which is why many people find chronic pain so hard to believe.

I used to play soccer, it used to distract me from pain, but now it only causes more. Even walking is a struggle. I walk like a penguin with a limp, my leg just doesn't know how to control itself😂. I had to get a cane when I was 15 years old, and believe me, many people did not understand. I was told I'm too young to be this sick, and that I can't POSSIBLY be in this much pain!

Usually, it goes something like this, " oh you're young, you can do it, just wait until you get to be my age, then you'll REALLY feel pain! "

I know I'm young but that doesn't mean that I have the capabilities of other kids my age. I struggle to stand by myself, my walking is extremely off balance.

My pain has caused me more than just discomfort, it is a big part of everything that I do. I tend to isolate myself, scared of being a burden on those around me, just because I wouldn't want the people I care about, to hurt if I tell them how I really feel. Saying, " yeah, I'm getting better! I feel good! " is a lot easier than saying, " I feel like I'm dying."

I have never really had anyone in person besides my family that believes me about my pain. That doubt causes even more stress to my life. This burning alive sensation throughout my body is enough to make a grown man cry, do you know how hard it is to smile, and laugh in public to try to make yourself believe that everything is alright? I'm apparently a very humorous person when I tell people about this disease they say, " but you look so happy! You don't look sick! " and I shut down immediately. Like the emo posts on Tumblr say, " fake a smile, and carry on. "

There isn't a second of the day where I don't NOT feel pain, I know this seems dramatic but I believe that painting a portrait of this feeling with words, would allow others to maybe, just MAYBE, understand.