Steady

Chapter Seventeen

 My heart was Jay's flower.

His love was my sun.

It feels like a millenia has passed since he told me that, but it's fitting now, as I leave the hospital, that my heart, the flower inside my chest, is withering away. Deprived of sunlight, my petals fall to the ground, one by one, with every step I take.

Step.

A soft petal of hope. Gone.

Step.

A petal of happiness. Gone.

Step.

A petal of faith. Gone

Step.

A petal of promise. Gone.

They drift away on the wind, carried only God knows where, until I'm left with nothing but a barren stem and roots that have nothing to hold onto.

When I open the door to the apartment hours later, the girls are all gathered on the couch together. An empty tissue box sits in the middle of the coffee table, surrounded by crumpled piles of soaked up tears.

"Bree."

Stiff as a statue, I move only my eyes, seeking out whoever called my name. Veronica waves me over to the couch, patting the one open spot.

What does she want from me? Tears? To sit with her and cry it out?

I can't do that.

I can barely breathe as it is.

After a shake of my head, I take the stairs two at a time, holding onto the bannister for dear life. There has to be a way to escape this hurricane trying to sweep me away.

I've died once before, but that was nothing compared to this. This...this is agonizing. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to remember what it was like not to feel this way, because what I'm feeling is so overpowering it's encasing me in shadows.

My door is open, so I stand in my doorway and look around. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Answers maybe? A hideout? Something to dull the pain?

The unmade bed catches my eye and all I can see is Jay scooting up behind me and pressing a hand over my heart until I fall asleep.

The desk chair mocks me, showing me snapshots of the time he sat there and spun around and around while telling me all the things he wanted to do after he finished school.

Even the carpet beneath my feet demands attention, reminding me how scratchy it felt against my skin when Jay and I had a tickle war that lasted close to an hour.

Everywhere I look, Jay is there, but the memories are muddy. They are all out of focus, because mixed in with those moments, there are images of Jake. Quite laughs. Hidden smiles. Conversations held in the dead of night. A betrayal of sorts.

I betrayed his trust, and he'll never even know it.

"I'm sorry."

Those two whispered words jerk me out of my robotic state and I look across the room to where Jake is standing next to the window. His hands are clasped behind his back and his head is bowed low as he looks up at me through dark lashes, as if he fears what I might say or do.

"Speak of the devil."

Jake smiles halfheartedly. "And he shall appear."

When my bottom lip begins to tremble, I know the end is near. I know reality is about to punch me in the throat and there's no way to escape it. My eyes will be open wide as I soak it in, as I struggle against every ounce of pain my body and mind are fighting to keep contained.