Steady

Chapter Eighteen

 Ellen cries quietly in the seat in front of me, sagging lifelessly in her ex-husband's arms.

I suspect there's only one thing worse than losing a child, and that's losing two.

Both of their children, gone. Forever.

The only thing keeping me from cracking is the numbness I feel. Maybe it's a product of the five shots of Jim Beam I had on the ride over, or maybe my body and mind have finally realized what's best for me and have switched to autopilot for the remainder of the funeral. Either way, I'll take it.

But as much as I love it, that numbness isn't enough to keep Veronica's voice from filtering through my errant thoughts and hitting me square in the gut as she takes the podium.

"Jayson Bryson was a hero."

I look to my side—to all my friends lined up next to me—and Nora takes my hand. None of us were supposed to say anything. That wasn't the plan. Get in. Get out. Don't cry. Don't break. Those were the rules. Why is she going rogue?

"What is she doing?" I ask, finding it hard to catch my breath.

Nora shakes her head, but doesn't say a word.

"He saved me." Veronica looks out over the crowd and catches my eye. She nods. "He saved us. That's a debt we'll never be able to repay, but I know where we can start. I know where I'm going to start."

She clears her throat and I see Carter shift in his seat. At first, I think it's because tears make him uncomfortable, but after a second look, I realize that's not it. He's on edge, not because of Veronica's sadness, but because he's out here and she's up there and there's nothing he can do to help her through.

What I see on his face is real. It's raw and vulnerable and the most basic, sincere form of love I've ever seen. It's not enough to mend the pieces of my heart, but it still manage to give me hope. Hope that Jay was able to see that same look on my face when I looked at him. Hope that he crossed over knowing how deeply, how intensely my love for him shook me.

"I'm going to laugh freely," Veronica says. "Just like Jay. I'm going to take chances and put myself out there, just like Jay. I'm going to wake up every day and vow to be a brave, loyal, compassionate person, just like Jay. But above all, I'm going to open myself up to love, no matter how scary that may seem. Just. Like. Jay." She smiles, and tears drag mascara down her beautiful cheeks. "And I invite you all to do the same."

My bottom lip trembles, but I continue to hold it in. Even when Veronica lays a flower on Jay's casket and returns to my side, I don't shed a tear. I can't. I refuse.

If I allow the tears to start, they'll never end.

***

Back home, the girls help me out of my little black dress and into pajamas. Sydney takes the pins out of my hair, being careful not to break or even tug on a wayward strand, and brushes it straight. Nora makes me a glass of something strong and I drink it down without tasting it. It doesn't even burn. Veronica makes my bed and tucks me in. All the while, I don't speak a word.

Sydney and Veronica leave, but Veronica stays behind. She wants to talk, but I don't know what to say as she takes my hand and stares off into space, biting her already bloodstained lip.

"I know it hurts like hell, Bree, I do. But he loved you. You had the privilege of being loved—fiercely—and that love isn't dead."

"But he is," I say, breaking hours of silence. "He's gone."

"Yeah, but his love isn't," she insists. "His heart's not beating anymore, but neither is yours. It doesn't mean he's not right here." She taps a finger against my chest. "He's not going anywhere. You'll carry that love around with you for the rest of your life."