'100 letters' - phan

4

—phil lester

runs his hands through his hair as he waits patiently at the door of a small, blue flat.

he and pj are meeting for lunch at some restaurant and phil wanted to be the one to drive them there.

phil's heart beats faster as he hears footsteps from inside the building, partly from nerves, partly anxiety and guilt.

this is wrong.

he takes a step back as the door in front of him opens.

"hey!"

it's pj. he's dressed in a casual red sweatshirt with "linkin park" printed in black on the front. he has plain black jeans and blue converse.

he looks good, but dan could wear it better.

"you look great." phil smiles, walking with pj to his bright red car.

"where to?" pj buckles his seatbelt and slaps his hands on his knees.

"i was thinking sushi and a movie but i don't know if you'd-" phil starts the car.

"sushi and a movie it is." pj smiles, looking at phil.

pj's eyes are such a pretty green-blue color, like a forest or the sea. something you could get lost in, but so beautiful that you wouldn't mind being lost.

dan had pretty eyes. they were like chocolate and they made phil feel things. they were like visual music, dark in some places, but a rich chestnut brown in the light. they were secretive but held so much emotion and had the ability to show everything.

"phil?" pj pokes phil's nose, bringing him back to reality.

"s-sorry-"

pj giggles and looks excitedly out of the now moving car.

phil tries to think of something to say to pj, but he has no idea what he even likes. they're complete strangers.

"can i turn the radio? i don't like when it's quiet.." pj hovers his hand over the car radio.

"yeah sure." phil sighs in relief. the silence was getting awkward.

a song starts as static but eventually the signal comes in.

"—The men all played along

To marching drums

And boy did they have fun

Behind the sea"

pj smiles and claps.

"i love this song."

"me too."

"you like panic! at the disco?"

"hell yeah i do, i saw them in concert." phil laughs and pulls out his phone to show him a picture of the concert.

"who's that?" pj points to phil's lock screen wallpaper.

it's a picture of dan and him in 2009 with cat whiskers drawn on their faces and small makeshift braids in their fringes.

"um..he's..."

phil feels his heart physically aching and all the air vacating his smoke covered lungs.

"he's nobody."

"your brother? best friend?" pj seems eager to know the answer as he jokingly pokes phil's arm.

"i said he's nobody!"

phil shouts and stops the car, tears escaping his crystal blue eyes and hurt written in his expression.

"phil i'm—" pj's smile fades and he rests his hand on phil's shoulder, but phil slaps it away quickly .

"this wasn't a good idea! okay? you seem nice, pj, but this," phil points his fingers between himself and the green eyed boy. "this can't be a thing. i'm not ready. i'm sorry."

small raindrops begin to fall as pj opens the car door and steps out, his expression reading both confused and concerned.

phil wipes his tears on his sleeve as he quickly drives away, leaving pj in the rain.

he turns the radio all the way up to drown out his crying.

why do i have to fuck everything up?

(the neighbourhood's new album  is actually amazing)