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CHAPTER TEN—GREEN
[ "It doesn't matter how green a blade of grass is expected to be, when it's already smashed beneath the feet." - Munia Khan ]
Jungkook wondered how much a heart could actually take. How much pain and suffering could it bare before it gave out, being consumed by the very torment it tried so hard to protect itself against? Surely he thought his dolefulness would more or less disappear in a matter of a few days if he continued to push that man from his mind. He left him with his heart, though, so it made perfect sense as to why he still longed for his company. How foolish he was to ever think a man like Seokjin would ever associate with a young boy like Jungkook.
He was cursed from the beginning. It all started when he was young and all of his friends left him. It wasn't much of a problem, he thought back then, until he met Taehyung. They were closer than peas in a pod yet that proved to be an act, Taehyung leaving him with such weightless words. "Good luck." He must've known, then, that Jungkook's life would become a spiraling mess of never ending despair and loneliness and Taehyung was smart to get out while he could. It was a noble act, if Jungkook could name any, for him to sacrifice their friendship for the sake of themselves.
He sneered at his attempts at making excuses.
Then it moved on to Jimin, his first and foolish love. How blinded he had been to ever think a man of that caliber could ever, for a measly second, want to have any sort of relationship with him. How could he have been so undoubtably stupid to believe a man like Jimin could ever love a man like Jungkook and be truthful. That was just it; the lies he told and the fake trust he threw at him, it was all just a silly little game for him. A puppet show. Jungkook was nothing more than a pawn of the game of chess Jimin played, and boy did he play Jungkook.
His family tore his self esteem apart, chewing him up and spitting him out like the scrap of food he was. Taehyung and Jimin played with his heart, making sure that the dirt got deep into his wounds, making sure the infection to his body grew by the second. Jungkook was falling apart piece by piece and he was sure his breaking point was Seokjin.
Seokjin... a man Jungkook never thought would hurt him. A man he knew nothing about. He hated it. He hated how he kept allowing people into his life only for them to turn around and push him into the mud, letting his clothes get dirty without the simple words of "I'm sorry" or "do you need a hand?" If that hand were to be the very same one that pushed him, he would rather choke on worms then ever bow down to the ones who crushed him.
Or had he already given up his body for them to walk over?
Maybe he was being too harsh. It was a very plausible outcome that Seokjin could be dealing with things in his life that were too large of an issue to be discussed. Maybe the matter was way too personal for comfort and Seokjin wanted to keep it hidden. He could very well not be the perfect man Jungkook made him out to be. He could have his own demons in a round table conference each night that he was too afraid to mention the names of.
Bullshit.
If Seokjin made Jungkook spill about his life and his issues on a daily basis, so it only seemed fair that the bastard opened up, too, even if he only mentioned bits and bobs of the story. It wasn't like Jungkook was asking for much, he just wanted to be able to be someone for Seokjin instead of an emotional punching bag. Seokjin meant so much more to him that a walking ground. All Jungkook wanted was to be able to give back what he took: Seokjin's time and efforts.
What an asshole Seokjin was. Memories are just that; scraps of shrouded fog that accumulated into a thick veil of repressed sadness and other emotions that fell under the umbrella of disappointment. They were in the past, something Seokjin always reminded Jungkook to forget and let go. Why was it so hard for Seokjin to do the same, Jungkook wondered. Would he really consider to push away his own feelings of anger and face to protect Seokjin's of secrecy?
Of course not. Seokjin could hide all of the secrets he wanted and Jungkook wouldn't give up his own rationality in the sake of his. Jungkook deserved to know the truth about the man he fell in love with. He didn't deserve the treatment he received and he didn't deserve to be pushed away so easily like he was. Seokjin could choke on a pebble for all he cared.
Maybe not that, Jungkook wouldn't let him choke on something so dangerous. He did know, for sure, that he deserved better and he would get there no matter what it took.
