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CHAPTER THIRTEEN—WHITE
[ "She knew then that white was more than a color: It was a cold, pale shade of understanding that seems to take all of your hope away." - Vannetta Chapman, A Perfect Square ]
Meeting with Seokjin at a cafe was nothing less than nerve wracking as Jungkook wasn't exactly sure how he should feel. Was he supposed to continue to stay mad or was he supposed to open up his heart to this man again? So many thoughts were running through his mind as he found the person in question sitting at one of the outdoor tables, the red parasol uptop set up to block out the sun. The young man slowly sat down right as Seokjin looked at him and smiled. It was such a warm look that Jungkook's frozen heart started to melt. He hated how easily he could be swayed by Seokjin.
"I'm here," Jungkook announced as if Seokjin didn't already know. He just knew he had to say something, no matter the context. The silence was getting to be too much.
"Welcome," Seokjin bidded back, the smile remaining on his face. "Where should I begin?"
Jungkook gave off a shrug. "Wherever you feel you need to."
Taking a deep sigh, the man looked out into the street as to admire the scenery around him before he spoke up. "I've had plenty of things happen in my life to worry about, and I have even more mistakes that I have yet to get over." Jungkook shifted in his seat as he listened, his eyes trained on the man who wouldn't look at him as he spoke. "My mother died when I was young and I never had a good relationship with my father. Her death devastated me but also ruined me, as I felt like I had no one I could rely on. No parent to actually take care of me. We were quite poor as well, resulting in my childhood being filled with kids bullying me and making my life feel less important. I used to steal because of it.
"I would take things from malls such as expensive clothing to fit in, and I would steal from kids for a sense of belonging. Also because of this I had gotten removed from schools constantly. I was never in one place for very long. I was always moving, always on the run. Running from what, I'm not sure, but I just felt like it was some sort of destiny for me. High school came along and I met a guy who I really liked. He was cool, handsome, smart. He was everything you could have ever asked for in a guy, but one day an argument occurred and then the pain ensued. He would hit me, push me down if I didn't listen to him, and he forced me to do things I never ever wanted to do."
By this time Jungkook's heart had fully escaped its icy cage and was aching at the story Seokjin told. He didn't want to listen anymore. He didn't want to hurt anymore but he knew he had to. He had to keep listening. So with a blank stare he looked at Seokjin who continued his story without even a blink of an eye.
"I managed to get out of that relationship because I had moved away. I never told my father any of it. I changed my number and got rid of anything I ever received from that guy and decided to try my best as living a different life. Upon entering my new school, I met yet another guy. He was more of a man if anything. He was a college student who was a sibling of this kid I knew in my class. We hung out for a bit and ended up dating. He, too, was kind and caring. He never laid his hands on me and he treated me with the utmost care."
Jungkook let a depressed smile slip past. "That's good, right? He treated you well."
Seokjin chuckled. "He did... until I found out he was cheating on me." Jungkook's heart sank. Not only because of this information but because the whole time Seokjin kept smiling. He didn't understand how he could smile like that through this harrowing tale of his past. It made no sense why his smile seemed so white even through the darkness of his words. "He was cheating on me with some other guy who I didn't know. His words after I found out were simple. He said I was 'just a kid' who didn't know better." Seokjin bit onto his lip as a single tear rolled down his cheek, the memories he tried so hard to push down flooded his vision and made it hard to breathe. The weight of his heart was becoming a sort of feeling that made him want to blackout; to disappear and never wake up to experience the same agonizing day that he lived. Every day he was reminded and he hated it.
"From then on," Seokjin continued, "I never felt like I belonged. From when my mother died there was never a place to call home. There was never a place where I felt safe or welcomed. I felt like an outlier to the equation that was life, and I knew no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to find the right answer."
Jungkook couldn't listen anymore. All of this calamity and the tears from Seokjin were just another thing that Jungkook blocked out for a moment as he stood from his seat and ran to the elder, engulfing him into a bundle of limbs that secured themselves around him. No words were spoken, only this simple hug that was an attempt to hold Seokjin together. Jungkook could see the pieces falling apart and Jungkook couldn't handle it.
He realized his mistake. He was too focused on himself and his issues when he never once tried to think about someone else. He piled his own issues onto this man who was struggling himself, and he didn't even notice Seokjin breaking. Jungkook wanted to blame himself but he knew Seokjin wouldn't agree, so instead he only held him, hoping that nothing else fell apart. It was the least he could do at this moment. The feeling of Seokjin's arms holding onto his body as if he were a lifeline broke his heart even more, but he knew he had to do this. The tears dampened his sleeve but if he let go now, he'd lose Seokjin.
"I'm not going to let go of you, so you better fucking hold on tight."
