Drowning in guilt

Chapter 1

Lucy's POV

It's already been a month since the Guild came back together. Everybody's still partying, for a month now! They are enjoying themselves, except for me.
I sit on a table in the back left corner of the guild, away from everybody else. I haven't been like myself since the fight with Tartaros. And it's been even harder for me after we disbanded. It's just... Everything before my tired eyes is a blurry mess, I can just barely make out what what is. It feels so unreal. I just feel so miserable and worthless. But the guilt I feel is the worst of all. So I'm staying out of everybody's way. I just want to be alone, but most of all I am scared that they'll get hurt because of me.

I stand up and silently walk towards the large door. My head hurts. I haven't had a peaceful night since then. Always just sleeping for a maximum of three hours, nightmares always haunting my dreams. They're keeping me awake. And even if I just close my eyes, I can see the memories of that moment flash before my eyes, leaving me wide awake until I'll collapse from exhaustion. Under my eyes you could see dark circles. I once tried to cover it up with make-up, but failed horribly because it instantly got washed away by my tears. So I just ignored it. I silently slip out of the guild, slowly walking to my apartment while pulling my hood down in my face. You can still hear their happy voices even when a couple of Meters away from the guild. But I still feel like... Sh*t.

While lost in thoughts I was wondering how long it will take until the Landlady throws me out. I could just barely pay this month's rent, leaving me with no money for groceries. All I have at home was a old Jar of Pickles and a fish in case Happy comes to visit me. What really happens now days. Natsu and Happy probably haven't been at my place for about two weeks, let alone at their own home. They're just staying at the guild the whole time, partying the whole day and night until passing out at the floor. Or they're going on missions. At first they kept bugging me to go on a mission with them, but I always said I didn't want to. And my friends, knowing that I'm short on money, wanted to give me some money so I could at least afford some food. But I declined, not wanting to bother them with my issues. It was also the time they noticed how skinny I have gotten. Eating and drinking isn't really important to me anymore.

I come to a stop and look up at the sky, the sun blending me. I notice that I stand in front of my Apartment so I search for my keys which are somewhere in my bag. I pull them out after finding them, slightly flinching at the sound they make. 'come on Lucy. It's okay. That are your normal keys' I scold myself before I unlock the door and step inside. I close the door and feel the cold air on my skin even though it is mid summer. I'm always leaving the curtains and Windows closed so no sun or hot air can come inside. I lay my bag down next to my couch and walk to the bathroom just to see me with my ghostly pale skin look back at me in the reflection of the mirror.
I sigh and take off my thin, plain blue Hoodie. When I first showed up with it at the guild everyone asked me if it wasn't too warm, but I just said it wasn't because it's just a really thin fabric, so they let it slide. Blue became  the colour I love and hate the most at the same time now. After a few moments I look down at my body. I frowned. My body is covered with bruises, cuts and burns which are lazily covered up with bandages. Wounds that are the result of the battle with myself. After a minute of starting at my body and being lost in thoughts I snap out of it and start to fill the bathtub with warm water. "They'd definitely hate me if they'd see my body. Or if they knew what I did..." I mumble to myself. Yeah, I still haven't told anybody about what happened. I take off the rest of my clothes and the bandages, trowing them into a corner. I sit down in the water, enjoying the warmth engulfing my body. It is only at times like these I feel like she is near me. I miss her so much. "I'm so sorry... Please forgive me...Aquarius..." I whisper before I lay down and put my head under water, closing my eyes.

xxxxxx
Fist chapter!

Hope it's okay!