Benevolence

Chapter 10: Before we Sailed,

Three months ago...

"Whatchu' mean you steppin' down from the board?!" Yazmine shrieks.

"Shhhh," the librarian scolds.

Ever since she joined the Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Sophmore year, the Black Student Union meetings have been our only opportunity to hang out. She doesn't know about my night terrors or my flashbacks, that my father's lifeless face haunts me every second of the minute. I didn't even get any sleep last night. Finding every possible position uncomfortable, my mind would wander off to the titanium plates stabilizing my ribs; how they wouldn't even be there if I hadn't caused the accident; how my father would still be alive; and I wouldn't be spending my nights suffering insomnia and waiting on a call from Bryan to ask me if I'm doing okay, because he knows I'm not...if it weren't for my actions.

When I woke up this morning, still restless, I practically forced myself to take a note out of Bryan's book, grabbing a large cup of coffee from Jim's on my way to school. He's been away with the Outing Club for the weekend and plans on returning tomorrow: Tuesday. But any amount of time spent away from him seems too long when my mind goes into attack mode whenever I'm alone.

Not like Yazmine cares enough to ask, but I'm not ok. I'm not over what happened. And I'm not ready to let go. "I can't afford to be a part of BSU right now," I whisper to her from across the table. "I have a lot of shit going on."

"Sis, who the hell supposed to be my V.P.? I need you!" She whisper-shouts. "And our meeting starts in 10 minutes?! Oh hell nah." She begins packing up her things. "You betta come again. Figure this shit out. There's gotta be another option."

"Yazmine this isn't something I can just 'fix' overnight, okay? I need some time to focus on myself. It's too much for me right now. Too much responsibility." My biggest mistake was pretending that I can be as involved in campus life as I used to, but it's only hollowing me out. All of my interactions are beginning to bounce off of me like echoes.

"Too much responsibility?" She rolls her eyes, swinging her handbag onto her shoulder. "Alaina, I'm a part of other organizations on campus too, arite? You're not the only one with an overflowin' plate. Whatever shit you got goin' on, figure it out alone but don't drag the future of BSU along with it. They all voted for you—

—I didn't ask for the position," I argue, following her through the shelves of books.

"Your character did. You're a leader; you get shit done."

"So do you, Yaz. The only reason they voted for me is because of my connections. You know that."

"That's not true," she argues. "Sis, you need to stop makin' excuses."

"Excuses?" I pull her to a stop. "Me wanting time to nurture myself--after everything I've been through-- is an excuse?" She sucks her teeth, folding her arms across her chest. "Listen, I'm not going through this with you. Do you support me on this or not?"

"You blowin' mines right now." She exhales loudly, scanning the aisle for the response that I will not be giving her. "What could be so wrong with you? Yeah, you bandaged up and shit, but you were fine last week. And the week before that. You mentally disabled all of a sudden?"

I stare back at her, hurt that she'd even say something like that. "I thought we were beyond this," I say. "Yaz, you're one of the few people that know about what happened this summer, and you still don't care?..." I scoff, shaking my head. It's one thing to encourage me to be strong, but for her to stand here and mock my depression..."I'm so done," I spit, turning to walk the other way. "And don't expect me to come back next semester either. You can have fun telling them that."