SMH (DISCONTINUED)

I HATE MY FRIENDS

Published on March 21, 2018.

Desc: Why can't we just produce a normal video? Just once?? -D

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[Shaky image displays two pairs of feet facing one another, one covered in socks and the other an old pair of slippers.]

Lauren [off camera]: Als, I can't turn this stupid thing on!

Ally [off camera]: Why are you messing with it? Dinah said she'd be right back.

Lauren [off camera]: Yeah, but she told me to turn it on and to quote unquote, "get it ready." How the hell am I supposed to do that? I can barely work the camera on my phone!

Ally [off camera]: Listen, Laur, you've just gotta—

[Shaking increases, blurring the image of the feet and floor surrounding.]

Lauren [off camera]: No, wait. Ally, I've got it—

Ally [off camera]: Lauren, give it to me!

[Both scream.]

[Camera falls to floor, the screen going black as the screams cut off abruptly.]

[ B E E P ]

[Dinah backs away from the camera, revealing the five girls all squeezed onto a couch together.]

Dinah: [clears throat] Now that Ally and Lauren have managed to break my camera...

Ally: I didn't do anything! I was just trying to help!

Lauren: Oh, sure. Blame it on the minority!

Ally: You're not the only queer woman here!

Lauren: Yeah, but I'm Cuban.

Ally: Bitch! There are more Cubans in this room right now than anything else!

Normani: Can you two shut up? I didn't ask for this much noise.

Lauren, Ally: Stay out of this, Mani!

Normani: [mumbling to self] Sure, just take it out on the victim. Who do they think bought the camera? Dinah? Ha! Ha-ha!

[Camila sits awkwardly between Normani and Lauren with Ally on Lauren's other side, smiling stiffly at the camera.]

Camila: ...

Camila: Hello... audience.

[ B E E P ]

[Dinah stares at the floor with wide eyes, frozen like a statue. Lauren leans over Camila and Normani to wave her hand in her face.]

Lauren: D, you okay?

Dinah: [blinks] Sorry, I just lost all train of thought. Ally, what were my plans for this video?

[Ally looks up from her phone briefly, narrowing her eyes at Dinah in thought. She shrugs a few seconds later, returning her gaze to her phone.]

Ally: [monotonously] I dunno.

Dinah: Dammit, Allyson! I thought the point of Taco Tuesdays was for me to rattle off ideas I have and for you to remember them later when I forget! What kind of useless friend are you?!

Ashley [off camera, in the distance]: Hold up, you two get tacos on Tuesdays and don't invite me? What kind of bullshit is this?!

[ B E E P ]

Dinah: I just realized we never did an introduction.

Normani: Oh, my god. If you don't start the damn video, I'm breaking up with you.