SMH (DISCONTINUED)

DIANA AND ALYSSA AGAINST THE WORLD (Ep. 26)

Published on May 15th, 2018.

Desc: We need to terminate our friendship immediately. -D

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Dinah: Alyssa. Alyssa!

[Camera zooms in on Ally halfway across the trail. She flinches away from something, backing against a tree. She fails to hear Dinah's calls.]

Dinah: Alyssa, you dumb bitch! Those are flowers!

[Ally peeks between her fingers, which had flown to cover her face in fear.]

Ally: I thought I saw a bee!

Dinah: [rolls her eyes, turning towards the camera] And this is why you can't take her anywhere.

[ B E E P ]

Dinah: Alyssa. I swear to god, if you don't get in the shot—

Ally [off camera, in the distance]: No! Come over here!

Dinah: But this is where the best lighting is!

Ally [off camera, in the distance]: I don't wanna! Do the intro yourself! I saw a bug over there and I'd much rather be over here!

[Dinah groans dramatically.]

Dinah: Fine.

Dinah: After a lot of convincing, I managed to get Alyssa outside. Today we're gonna be documenting our hike. I have a feeling I selected the wrong friend to bring, but... we suffer to provide entertainment.

Normani [off camera]: I hate everything about this experience.

Dinah: Oh, and... Mani is here too.

[Camera turns around aggressively, displaying Normani's double chin.]

Normani: Hello.

[ B E E P ]

[Ally and Dinah are walking alongside each other, Ally with her hands tucked closely at her sides and Dinah with her shoulders hung loosely.]

Ally: Is this supposed to be relaxing?

Dinah: In simple terms, yes. In Ally terms... there's a bug on your shoulder and I've been trying to find a subtle way to bring it up without you freaking out.

Ally: WHAT?

[Ally frantically wipes at her shoulder, knocking the crawling creature to the ground. She screams when she sees it, smacking Dinah's arm and taking several steps ahead of her.]

Ally: How could you keep that from me for so long?! I could have died!

Dinah: It was maybe two minutes.

Ally: Two minutes?!

Dinah: Calm the fuck down, it's fine.

Normani [off camera]: Watch the language, cupcake. This is a family show.

Dinah: [turns and points to Normani behind the camera] I don't pay you to have an opinion.

Normani [off camera]: You don't pay me at all.

Dinah: I give you good sex and three meals a day. What more could you want?

Normani [off camera]: Well, for starters—

Dinah: Nuh-uh, save it for the Dinah Would Never episodes. This is not your segment.

Normani [off camera, mumbling]: I swear to god, one of these days I'm gonna murder you, Hansen...

[ B E E P ]

Dinah: We lost Alyssa.

[Screaming is heard somewhere in the distance.]

Dinah: Never mind.

[The screaming gets increasingly louder, until Ally re-enters the shot at lightning speed. She grabs hold of Dinah's arm, pulling her further down the trail. Normani follows quickly behind.]

Ally: We can never come here again, Diana! This trail is terrifying!

Dinah: Alyssa, now might not be the time to tell you this, but if you got lost out here I don't think you would make it an hour!

Ally: I know! Just keep running!

Normani [off camera]: What are we running from?!

Ally: Wasp! I saw a wasp!

[ B E E P ]

[Now indoors, Ally sits on a couch in front of the camera with her back straight and her expression tight. Dinah comes up behind her, offering a cup of tea and sipping her own as she takes a seat. They sit in silence for awhile, staring at the camera while they occasionally drink their beverages.]

Dinah: So...

Ally: So...

Dinah: What did we learn today?

Ally: That you're the worst friend ever and we should never hang out ever again?

Dinah: Well... yes, but... we also learned that Alyssas are indoor pets only. Don't take them outdoors. Ever. They scare very easily and will probably die if left unattended for too long.

Ally: I... actually hate you.

Dinah: ...

Ally: ...

Dinah: ...

Ally: ...

Dinah: Yes.

[ B E E P ]

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