Villains ➵ bill skarsgård a.u.

fifteen

I was crying again. Fucking hell. That was all I ever did last week, and I was doing it again now. I wanted to pinch myself in the face so I would have a real reason to cry but I was too tired to even do so. I was pissed at myself. Lately I'm too tired to do anything. I can't even care less about pulling out Arthur's blazer so I could prevent the cast on my arm from getting wet. I continued walking, not paying attention to wherever I was going. I just need to cool down, that's all I have to do. Perhaps later on my panicking would subside and everything would come back to how it was previously. It sounded too good to be true, but it was worth the try.

The skies roared with thunder as I enter the woods, the rain water soaking into my clothes as the leaves break underneath my boots. My backpack was probably wet too, but the rain felt so good against my skin and I wasn't stopping now. I was too close to getting the freedom I wanted. The freedom from my schoolmates and the freedom from their judgement. Loneliness was the only answer nowadays, and I feel horrible that I have to drag my friends into it. They didn't deserve any of my bullshit, none of them do. Not even Sarah.

I wiped the mixture of water and tears from my face, my eyes stinging even more as I try to push away my thoughts. I've missed her so much. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything is fine if she had any problems. I wanted to tell her that her father and everyone's looking for her, all she has to do is come back to us. I've missed the sight of her face next to Georgie's everytime we would hangout, and I've missed the way she would talk like she's the mature one from the rest of us. Even though Sarah was younger than any of us, she knew better. I didn't. She was the one who would always straighten any minor arguments between Jumper and Georgie whenever they would fight.

She was the one who acted like nothing happened when Ericka told everyone she was buying her way out of high school, when everyone was sneering at her by the hallways. I've also envied her a lot, but I didn't appreciate her most of the time because she was always there. She never once disappeared. She would always be there, ready to have a conversation about anything. She always seemed to have the answer to anything, and she was as intelligent as her father. No one was ever right about that rumour. Sarah was the only one who always knew how to think rationally, whenever the rest of us would just cry in the corner.

I kept on walking, my feet leading me somewhere even I can't manage to think about the moment I began that route. I didn't care where, I just wanted to get away. I shoved my hand into my pants, absentmindedly stepping over the piles of drenched leaves on the soil, my vision blurred by water, but clear enough for me to see whatever I was walking on as I sucked in the damp air through my mouth. I was crying but it didn't feel like it. I've been tearing too much lately that it had felt like a mannerism, a habit. Almost like it was something I needed to do on a regular basis.

Suddenly, I've stopped, the trees ending just behind me, meaning that I've reached the end of the woods. I looked down to the muddy ground, my attention caught by the bright green plastic protruding from underneath the soil. At first I have almost took it completely for granted.

But then; I looked up from my foot, and ahead of me was the building that I have been avoiding thinking about from the moment I stepped foot out of it, the dull skies shining over the wet bricks left that made up the hospital. I stumbled backwards in reflex, my heart beat elevating as I feel chills run down my back. I was literally back where I started a week ago. Back to the fucking place that began everything I was experiencing. The dilemmas, the fear, the conclusions. I wasn't just  thinking about it anymore. It was in front of me.

Neither was I dreaming, for I could taste the bitterness of the rain against my tongue. I stood there, my lips trembling in cold and water droplets caught on my eyelashes, causing me to blink repeatedly as I peered across where I stood. The rain tapped on the leaves, thunder and lightning cracking through the thick clouds above which added to the ominousness of the building. And I didn't know what I was doing there. I didn't even know how I got there in the first place. I had persistently promised myself that I will never come back. That I will just pretend it didn't happen, yet there I was. On the exact same spot that I stood on when I first entered over a week ago with Arthur.