Villains ➵ bill skarsgård a.u.

sixteen

I went back underneath the safety of the school, away from Hillside Cross Station, Arthur's words in the woods swimming through my thoughts endlessly as I walked across the corridors back into the current periods. He wanted to help with finding Sarah, and I couldn't believe my ears heard those very things come out of his mouth. Once again I was baffled, and even as I left him in front of Hillside Cross Station, I kept on fighting myself whether all of it was real or not, and whether he was tricking me into thinking I could actually trust him again. I've tried finding any traces of preposterousness in his face and there was none.

Lunch was over, and the hallways were empty. I could already hear Jumper cursing at me for running away. She had frequently done that anyways since she got out of therapy; chastise anyone who did the same mistake as her. And perhaps I should've contained myself while I was at the cafeteria. After all, we were already facing so much more bullshit than the rest of us could handle without getting unhinged. My clothes were drenched in rain water, adding more weight to my bones as my arm swelled underneath the cast. I was surprised I even got accepted to class for looking like the biggest trainwreck since the Halloween party, but I could care less. Ericka had done far worse by eradicating whatever it was left for me to show to the people going in my school.

I tried to focus, ignoring the buzz inside my head. By the end of the last periods I've seen all sorts of reactions to what I look like, most of them frowning, nevertheless it never bugged me. In fact their opinions were the last things I've thought about while I was sitting on my arm chair, my hair all over my damp face as the teachers tried not to kick me out of their classes. I was mainly occupied by whatever it was that happened back there in the woods. Of course, I still feel like shit for dragging Pamela into the conversation just so I could get rid of him. I've done that way too many times now, and I think I will never forgive myself. I was a terrible person, but I didn't know I could be as terrible as my cousins to go so far that I regret it with my entire being.

As I exited the school, the rain had finally stopped but the sun was concealed still by thick grey clouds. More ice were scattered across the school grounds, some of them sticking underneath the soles of my shoes. My phone buzzed repeatedly in my pocket, though I didn't pull it out to check, for I was certain it was just Jumper and Georgie texting me about what happened back in the lunchroom. As much as I wanted to text them back to assure them that I haven't completely gone insane, I couldn't just do it. What would I tell them anyway? That I saw Sarah's picture morph into the monster I've seen inside the hospital? They wouldn't judge me for it, but I would sound like a lunatic. And even more, I don't think I'm ready to tell them any of the things I've been experiencing for the past two days.

It was too much. I felt like a fucking robot, and I hated it. I hated every second that I'm in this situation, stuck in between constantly thinking about Sarah and Hillside Cross Station and fucking Arthur Michigan. It feels like a lifetime ago that all I ever worried about was getting Ericka's camera and protecting my friends from Uncle Ron finding out about the drugs. Everything's changed for the worst, and I wish I could just turn it all back to where I fucked up first. I wanted to cry again, but this time not because of Sarah, or the nightmares, but because of confusion and fear and hatred for myself. I wanna crawl out of my skin and replace it with a new one so I could escape from my life.

It was selfish, just like how selfish it was when I befriended Georgie and the rest of the pack because I was afraid of the things Ericka could say about me to the entire school, and I was scared of the loneliness that latched itself onto me since my parents died. And just like how selfish it is that I'm hiding my association with Arthur Michigan from them, because I fear that they'll find it strange. Sooner or later I'm going to have to tell them, and they're going to hate me for it. Nonetheless perhaps this was for the best. I'm sure they'll understand. However that wasn't the only thing I was worried about.